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We Need To Stop Calorie Labeling On Fast Food Menus

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Calorie labeling has been around since 2010, constantly making people feel awful about their food choices for almost a decade now. It was put into effect to make customers grow aware of exactly how disgusting they are, and ultimately to leave them feeling worse about themselves than before. Since the law requires a calorie count in restaurants with 20 or more locations, pretty much every single fast food restaurant has one. Which is the last place the number of calories need to be seen.

Everyone knows that fast food does evil to your body. There’s no need to spell it out for those of us who choose to have a little fun. I’m already aware of what lies ahead when I walk into a Taco Bell. I’m not thinking about all of the nutrients I’ll be receiving or how this will do wonders for my asshole. I came here to let my hair down. However, calorie counts are getting in the way of having a good time for all of us.

Calorie labeling is the friend who tells you to slow down on the drinking. It’s like the surgeon general warning on a pack of cigarettes. No one looks at that disclaimer and throws their pack away. It’s just a friendly reminder that you’re going to die a little sooner than everyone else. My thesis statement here is that health fanatics (the same people who pushed for this law) have no business being in a fast food joint to begin with. There’s no McKale on the menu. If you care that much about what you’re eating then you wouldn’t be in a McDonalds drive-thru right now.You’re really just skimming though all those choices trying to pick the lesser of all evils when you could be eating from your garden. Quit ruining everyone else’s fun just because you respect your body.

One major issue I have with showing customers the numbers is that it makes seemingly healthy places unhealthy. For example, I am a diehard fan of Panera bread bowls, and being that the soup is always cream of broccoli or some sort of vegetable, I have programmed my brain into automatically assuming it is healthy. Then one day I decide to actually look at the menu for other options and bap.

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A lot to take in both physically and mentally. It was like discovering a secret past of a close friend. A baked potato soup bread bowl is almost half of what you should eat in an entire day? There’s something I never needed to know. Chin to the sky and move on. But did I need to know that in actuality a bread bowl has the same amount of calories as three McDonald’s cheeseburgers? Nope. That’s TMI. I initially got on the soup game because I thought it was a healthier option, so now it’s like why am I wasting all these calories on soup when I could be eating three cheeseburgers? Never had this problem before calorie labeling came around.

Now onto the more traumatic side of calorie labeling. Viewer discretion advised.

Things can get a little graphic when staring at a Taco Bell menu for too long. I already figured a Cheesy Gordita Crunch wouldn’t get me a six pack, it’s just tough seeing it in writing. The real killer is that no one goes to Taco Bell for a soft-shell taco then leaves. You are buying at least 3 things every time you come through. And if you’re hammered or high, which is the proper way of doing TB no K, then that number could be pushed up to 4, maybe even 8 depending on how hard you go, but that’s none of my business.

Reading the McDonalds calorie menu is almost like watching a horror movie. I know I’ll get scared if I watch it, but I watch it anyways and end up not being able to sleep. A move passed down from my grandpa—when it says it’s between 920-1160 calories, you always take the 920.

Excellent business move by Little Caesars by only putting the calories for a single slice of pizza rather than the whole thing because any normal human always eats the entire Hot-N-Ready over the span of an hour.  There was no way on earth Little Caesars was going to shock its customers once the calorie labeling law came around by putting the number of calories for the entire pizza and still expect civilized members of society to buy it. There are 8 slices in a Little Caesar’s pizza. No one is buying a Little Caesars Pizza for themselves and 7 of their friends. Little Caesars knows that and they respect it by only putting the calories of a slice and letting us do the terrifying math in our heads.

I wanted to include some of the less shocking menu items on McDonald’s menu to still demonstrate the disadvantages of calorie labeling. 300 calories isn’t a lot, but before this, my brain would have thought a standard cheeseburger from McDonalds was 200. They say the key to a healthy body is a healthy mind, and if my mind thought it was being healthier, then my body would be healthier. So technically calorie labeling is responsible for my unhealthy body.

Thus concludes my well-researched and highly credible report on the negativity of calorie labeling on people who already knew fast food was unhealthy. When you stop to think about it, calorie labeling poorly affects both the customer and the restaurant. Does a bartender tell you how many calories are in that sixth beer you just ordered? No. That’s bad business. Now they’re not making a sale and you’re not having fun. If you believe in my thoughts, pass them on, and together we can make staring at fast food menus fun again.

@DannyJConrad