Deep Thoughts On Divorce As Larry King Files For His 8th
If you’ve been there, you know… Getting divorced is a lot like a full vagina wax.
The first time it happens the situation is so hairy, expensive, painful, & embarrassing that you slink away completely shell shocked.
“Holy shit.. It feels like I have nothing left. I never want to go through that again.”
From there, you isolate yourself from family & friends by moving into a small crawl space above Carnegie Hall with a group of carrier pigeons, & you grow your pubes out as long & thick as possible so that you’re always alone & thus never face the risk of another wax and/or divorce.
No? Just me?
Perhaps that’s only how I roll, because on the opposite end I’ve heard that yeah, ok, the first time is awful, but the more you do it, the less you feel it. Not to speculate, but maybe that’s the case with Larry King…. that by divorce five, enough had been ripped out that his heart was tougher & more calloused than a porn star’s b-hole.
Even then it’s still difficult to imagine a divorce of any kind being easy, especially this time around. King (85) has been married to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Shawn King (59), for 22 years, and as most couples do, they share a podcast, a luxury bedsheet line, and two grown sons. It’s complicated.
In an odd twist, the split with Shawn will be Larry’s 8th divorce, but only from his 7th wife (because he married/divorced Alene Akins twice).
King’s been in the journalism game since the 1950s, and he’s interviewed the biggest newsmakers, politicians and celebs on the planet.. And when you’ve been so tightly wrapped up in the media spotlight as long as he has, I feel like your sense of reality has to be suffocated in some way. And pshhh.. going off Hollywood metrics, 8 divorces is, like, small beans. It’s fine. Totally fine.
Also, the couple has filed for divorce once before and then stayed together, so who knows how this will turn out and… annnnd as I type that I can’t help but look up at my word count & wonder… What am I doing? Does anyone really care about Larry King’s love life here at Barstool SPORTS?
Selfishly I think I just really wanted to use a hacky suspenders pun somehow & make metaphors about my own divorce for a bit. Years later it still stings, and this is coming from someone who has only done it once, and with no property, no kids (that I’m aware of), & only a Honda-CRV sized pile of stuff.. so I think seeing the sheer number of times King has gone through with a split caught my attention in a shocked kind of way… Does he feel it like us normies do? Does Larry chug fifths of Mamajuana rum in his aunt’s basement while ugly crying like we do?? Does his therapist ever have to tell him to “please lay off the rum”, too?
I’d imagine it takes a big pair of mental suspenders to keep your head up after love falls through yet again, so many times. (Ah, there’s that suspenders pun! Just took a little bit!)
Every now & then a stoolie DMs me to tell me they’re going through it & struggling, so to anyone who knows that vibe and feels like it will never get better, I repeat, it’s just like a wax job. At first it hurts like hell & you’re raw & stripped bare. But then guess what, time goes on & like it or not, life keeps movin’ & you experience growth. A big ‘ol honkin’ tangle of growth! It might take awhile, and there’s really not much you can do about that, but before you know it the past will feel like a blur & you’ll be a Larry King looking for your next Larry Queen… (just hopefully not your 8th).