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The FAA Approves Mini Horses on Planes. The Fall of Civilization is Still on Schedule.

SourceMiniature horses are among the service animals approved to take on flights, according to new guidelines provided Thursday by the federal government.

Service animals on planes has been the subject of much debate over the past several years, especially when the animal is a little exotic. To curb some of the debate, the U.S. Department of Transportation clarified which common service animals should almost always be allowed.

“With respect to animal species, we indicated that we would focus our enforcement efforts on ensuring that the most commonly used service animals (dogs, cats, and miniature horses) are accepted for transport as service animals,” the department said in a statement.

While not as common as dogs, miniature horses are known to make great service animals. They can live as long as 35 years, generally stand about 2 to 3 feet tall and weigh around 100 pounds when fully grown.

This doesn’t mean that all airlines are now obligated to board therapy miniature horses by law, but if they decide to ignore the new guideline, they could face a penalty.

Well thank God we got that cleared up. Finally, the federal government is taking a common sense approach to air travel. So Service Pigs are out. Comfort Llamas will no longer be tolerated. Emotional Support Ostriches will no longer be a thing. And if you’ve got any ideas about bringing a donkey, moose or yak on board a flight, you’d better think again. The feds are restricting us to the very reasonable standard of cats, dogs and horses. Got it. Great work, FAA.

Just so we’re clear, when I fly I’m limited to two pieces of carry on luggage, correct? So something that can fit into the tiny, shoebox sized space under the seat in front of me and like a laptop bag. And if I’m checking in luggage, if it weighs more than 50 pounds they charge me an exorbitant, punitive fee to punish me. But the guy next to me can have a 100 pound smelly, shitting, flea-ridden fucking barn animal with him. I potentially have to be crammed into my seat next to a farting, biting, hairy creature that should be in a circus being ridden by a costumed monkey because some stranger is too nervous to travel without it. Am I right about all that, or am I missing some key point that would make sense of all this.

Here’s a thought. If you can’t fly unless you have a mini horse with you, perhaps air travel is not your thing. If the emotional toll is too much for you, I have sympathy. Just not enough that I want everyone else on board to have to pay the toll for you. I mean, if I couldn’t fly to Pittsburgh to visit my kid in college without having a dolphin with me, I wouldn’t expect everyone else to make room for his giant aquarium. I’d simply rent a truck, put him in the back and drive there. Or I’d go live in the ocean because I’m not equipped to function on land given that I am emotionally dependent on an aquatic mammal.

Besides, even if the FAA doesn’t give a shit about airline passengers – which is pretty obvious given this ruling – how about showing a little concern about the horse? Do you think this beast is happy to spend four hours wedged between the knees of some emotional cripple and a boring in-flight magazine? Does it occur to the people who travel with these things they’d much rather be running around in a meadow somewhere, eating grass, taking dumps and mounting other miniature horses? It’s goddamned cruel. Not as cruel as what the other humans on board have to endure. But who cares about us?

P.S. I just want to add the disclaimer that none of the above applies to Li’l Sebastian. I’d fly with him anywhere. RIP, you beautiful, majestic creature.