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The Internet Is Freaking Out About Killer Zombie Snails

Wired does this every week where they release some crazy animal you’ve never heard of or seen that makes you say holy shit. Except this time the entire internet has caught on and now everyone’s freaking out. Some worm kills some snail then makes the snail look like a helpless catepillar so a bird can swoop down and eat the snail, and then worm makes babies in the bird that are born when the bird takes a shit. From there, more babies kill more snails to be consumed by more birds. If you’ve ever played Would You Rather Have A Million Dollars Or 1 Penny Doubled Everyday For A Month than you know the power of compound interest. You know the threat Zombie Snails pose to our society.

I love the people who spend their lives studying shit like the Zombie Snail. Like what type of qualifications do you need to analyze a worm that reproduces inside bird shit? And how do they know for sure? That’s the part about science I’ll never understand. You can dedicate your life to Zombie Snail and only gain 5 yards down the field. 30 years of looking into a microscope and all you got is loose evidence that some worm is wreaking havoc on the local ecosystem. And you know what’s even crazier? The science industry fucking LOVES these people. Richard Gerkowsicitzisk dedicated over 3 decades of a remarkably boring life to help the community learn more about the Leucochloridium species and now we present him with this plaque. 

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Thanks Guys. I started this job with no friends and I leave it with no friends.

Science guys stand up for me one time and defend your industry. Cool discovery but is it really worth it?