Folks, I want you to clear your mind. Be at one with the Universe. Deep breaths in, and deep breaths out. Now, imagine. It’s January 14, 2020. You have been talking to a girl for a while and want to take her somewhere nice. You don’t want to wear a suit, but you want to impress her. You think to yourself, I know what will blow her socks off, homemade pasta with fresh seafood and an exquisite bottle of wine.
The meal impresses her so much, and she is shocked you could afford it. She knows you are struggling financially, with student loans piling up and the high cost of living. But she appreciates it so much, and you end up getting married. Love is great!
Flash forward to October 26th, 2027. It’s 7 years later and you are celebrating the birth of your first born child. You wonder if your wife will remember how you ended up here. You do. So once again you take her out for a fresh, delicious meal at the local Italian spot.
She is so excited, for she didn’t know if you remembered where she fell in love with you. But with the baby at home and being laid off of work, she once again is confused how you swung it. She wonders if you’re picking up extra hours, or maybe have a side job? But she doesn’t ask, for she just wants to live in the moment. Walking on sunshine, you go home and make kid number 2.
It’s now March 13th, 2055. Both of your kids have now graduated from college. The older one is married with a kid, and the younger one just got a job on Mars. Things are going great for them, but your health is rapidly declining. The doctors say you don’t have much longer. So you call the entire family together, and you get into your teleportation chamber and blast away to old faithful, the only place you ever trusted to give you the quality food you and your family deserve.
This is the 3rd time you’ve come to this restaurant (5th if you count the times your wife doesn’t know about) and all 3 (5) times you haven’t paid for the food. Finally your wife asks you, “hun, I need to know, how did you do it?” “Do what, my dear?” you inquire like a scene out of Leave It To Beaver. “How did we never pay for a meal? All those times, and you never once picked up a check. How did you do it?” And finally, you tell her:
WPXI - Forget unlimited soup and salad, what about pasta for a lifetime?
That’s what Olive Garden is offering with its new deal.
The Italian restaurant chain said it’s introducing a Lifetime Pasta Pass Thursday.
The pass includes a lifetime of unlimited servings of any pasta bowl, along with unlimited soup or salad and breadsticks.
The deal is an upgrade to Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Pass. The Never Ending pass is $100.
The first 50 people who buy those can opt into the Lifetime Pasta Pass for an extra $400.
Both go on sale August 15 at 2 p.m. eastern time.
She can’t believe it. Your whole life, your 40 years of marriage, all happened because you had the Lifetime Pasta Pass from Olive Garden. With your secret out you shut your eyes and slip away into eternal sleep. But not before, with your one last dying breath, you tell her the biggest secret of all- “I…I bought it in your name” you whisper softly as you unfurl your hand, showing the card has her name on it, for her to use long after you’re gone. And then, you close your eyes, with your wife wondering why, in 40 years, you only used it 3 times. “Dumbass”, she says, before rolling your dead corpse off the bed and fucking the kid’s piano teacher she’s been having an affair with for 30 years. Chicks, man. Chicks.