If The 2014-15 Philadelphia Flyers Were Pokemon

[Jordie’s Dislcaimer: Before I get started, I realize that this is the Flyers Pokemon blog that nobody asked for. But it’s a President’s Day Miracle because it’s here anyway.]

Last night the Flyers beat the Sabres 2-1, which is basically like the same thing as winning the Flint, Michigan Megabowl. Between SNL40, the NBA All-Star Game, the Bachelor and basically anything else in tv last night, I think maybe a total of 7 people watched the game. But it was a win nonetheless and somehow the Flyers are only 5 points out of a playoff spot right now. But instead of recapping an incredibly boring game that very few people actually watched, I figured why not finally bring together two of the most influential things in my life; the Flyers and Pokemon.

Jake Voracek

Charizard is the pretty obvious selection here. Voracek is 2nd in the league in both points and assists right now and has been having a dominant year. He’s been on fire and is one of the best in the game. Hell, he might even be a holographic Charizard if he keeps up this level of production. But while Charizard is the best representation for Voracek’s play on the ice, I think if we’re being brutally honest with ourselves here, he’s more of a Magmar.

Just a goof with awful orange hair.

Claude Giroux

This is another pretty obvious one here. Pikachu, whether you like to believe this or not, is the best Pokemon. He was the leader and without Pikachu, Pokemon doesn’t even exist. Both Giroux and Pikachu are shifty little fuckers and both are good for a laugh or two every episode. Claude Giroux is like a level 50 Pikachu who just refused to evolve into Riachu.

Wayne Simmonds

Both are scary as shit and can do some serious damage. Wayne Simmonds is never going to dance around the defense and pull a Datsyuk on a breakaway. I mean his hands have been nice in the past few shootouts, but it’s still the Wayne Train we’re talking about here. And the same goes for Onix. He’s just gonna beat the shit out of you with Rock Throw. Both Simmer and Onix are power, not finesse. Which is totally fine with me.

Brayden Schenn

Get ready for a scorching hot Bradyen Schenn take real quick. Magikarp sucks. I think we can all agree on that. But inside every Magikarp is the ability to evolve into a Gyarados. The only problem is that Magikarp is so difficult to train that most people give up on it too soon before the pay-off. It takes time, but I can totally understand where the frustration comes from.

Sean Couturier

There’s a reason why Bulbasaur is one of the first 3 Pokemon in the game. He’s crucial to the game and there’s no getting around that. Personally, I’m more of a Squirtle and Charmander kind of guy, but Bulbasaur is just as important. The only issue is that Coots has been around for long enough at this point that we’re expecting him to show a little more signs of being an Ivysaur. He’s just not there yet.

Matt Read

Rattata starts to get really annoying after a while. All you want to do is walk over to the next town over, you step in a patch of grass for half a second and all of a sudden you have five level 3 Rattatas who want to battle. Get out of my face, Rattata. (By the way, nice goal last night, Matt).

Michael Del Zotto

Ninetales has the best hair out of all the original 150 Pokemon so I had to do it.

Scott Laughton

Just like Squirtle, Scott Laughton is young with limitless potential.

Luke Schenn

This is pretty much just the face I make every time he’s out on the ice. Psyduck all the way.

Vincent Lecavalier

Alakazam is the shit and can kick some serious ass. The only issue is that he is old as fuck and pretty much checked out.

Nick Schultz/Nick Grossman

Both are a couple of boneheads. Ha. Get it?

R.J. Umberger

This is a bit of a low-blow here, but Umberger as Slowpoke is one of the most real things of all time.

Zac Rinaldo

Both Rinaldo and Geodude have rocks for hands and no feet. But they also both have a lot of heart and could be beneficial to the lineup if they just figured it out.

Steve Mason

Starmie is a grossly underrated Pokemon just because it isn’t a household name. But make no mistake, Starmie can do some damage.

Shayne Gostisbehere

Puns.

I know there are some people that I missed but I’m sure you get the point by now. While the Flyers don’t necessarily make for the worst lineup of Pokemon ever, they could still greatly benefit from the Rare Candy cheat code.

If you have any more/better Flyers-Pokemon comparisons, send them over to @BarstoolJordie.