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The IBS Diaries Vol. 6: Hotel Hotbox

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Welcome back to another IBS Sufferers Anonymous meeting. Big thanks to Nate for sharing his story about Blizzard Beach with us last week, hope we all took note to never get swayed into shitting our bathing suits after hearing his review. This week we have our 1st ever female victim, Anonymous, stepping up to the podium. Let’s remember to show her the same respect and support that we would want.

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This is an old story that still haunts me today but also adds pure laughs and horror when told to people even after 30 years. So, I was going to college in NY and was a senior interviewing for jobs. One job was an interview with Jordan Marsh (old Boston Dept Store) for their training program. It was great and a bonus because they would fly me back home for an all-day interview process they were having in Boston. I remember checking into my room and realizing I was sharing a room with a stranger who was graduating from Brown University.

Graduating from Brown University? Just know that a lesser man in my position wouldn’t have been able to resist the dad joke. That was like dangling raw meat in front of a wolf. Regardless, the foreshadowing here indicates that it’s not gonna be a Cinderella ending for our third party.

Note my IBS was not a known thing at this point in my life, I was only 21 and just thought it was drinking and junk food in college that caused my crazy shit attacks!

There was a period in everyone with IBS’s lives where they didn’t know they had the syndrome yet. At first you’re in denial, just thinking you’ve had diarrhea for 10 months straight, then comes accepting it, then finally adapting. Going from holding back shits no problem one day to sending your cheeks off to war the next is never a smooth transition and I have to imagine there’s a lot more on the line for a woman too. If a guy shits his pants he gets roasted for a couple days then it gets brought up maybe once a year after that. If a girl shits her pants it’s the 1st thing you think of every time you see her. I hate inequality as much as the next guy but it’s true. The IBS army sticks together regardless. Strap up, Female Anonymous.

So, I go to the cocktail reception still not knowing which of the girls in the crowded room my stranger roommate for the night would be but didn’t really care too much of it at the time. Well…I drank and ate probably 3 or 4 of everything they were serving including all the fried mozzarella sticks which I now know are the death of me!! I made my way back up to my hotel room and shortly after entered my roommate from Brown. She was this uptight Asian girl who was too smart for Retail I thought, but we both exchanged some polite words before it HIT!! I suddenly felt like I was going to explode and started to panic at the thought at this time of her simply hearing me poop while she was in her bed.

The grace period is now in session.

Potential witnesses: The bunkmate. At least she’s a complete stranger who Anonymous will never see again so we can count our blessings on that one.

Pants situation: I’ve experienced the grace period in almost every type of pant or short there is, but I’m the wrong guy to talk to when it comes to dresses. She hasn’t specified what she’s styling, but she did mention she was at a work-related function. Gotta assume it’s nothing you wanna go poo’ing in.

Current form of transit: Walking. There’s a chance a luggage cart joyride may take place if she utilizes her resources accurately.

Nearest restroom: This is a rare incident in which the restroom is actually too near. You should never be hot boxing your own hotel room, especially if innocent bystanders are involved. The best option is always and forever the lobby bathroom. Absolute peace, quiet, and unfamiliar shoes 9 out of 10 times.

I went in and it all came out like huge life size logs which I was thinking was better than the bad liquid kind!! Then here was the BAD part…didn’t flush!! Like a bad dream…what are the chances it did not FLUSH!!! Yup no luck after several attempts…so what to do!!

I’m feeling these exclamation marks on a personal level right now. There’s no bulletproof approach to handling the Dumb & Dumber nightmare. Let me start by saying we should treat plungers like fire extinguishers. Necessary by law. When you hear that toilet’s last breaths and realize there’s no plunger on scene, complete hopelessness ensues. No one should ever have to feel that way. You then get nervous after seeing the 1st flush didn’t go through, but if you give it another flush things may start rising above sea level. Just something that really doesn’t ever need to happen. The only solution is time in these situations and rarely is there enough of it.

Survival mode kicked in and I was thinking this girl probably wants to brush her teeth and go the bathroom herself before bed. I took the plastic bag in the rubbish and pulled every last poop out of the toilet and into the bag it went.

Legit pulling the covers over my face right now. I mean this is Plan Z to a worst case scenario right here. I’m not gonna even interrupt anymore.

I tried again 2 more times to see if it flushed and nothing! I had to get this bag out of the bathroom and out of the room quick so I tied it up and dashed out hoping she would go right in. She did but then came out in 2 seconds so I threw the bag under my bed. Long story short that poop bag stayed there all night. There was nothing I could do at that point. I thought about telling this stranger but feared she would rat me out at the interview the next day. So all night I could not sleep and wondered if she could smell poop or was it just me…. nope it smelled like poop! When she got up in the morning to take a shower, I grabbed the bag and ran down the hall and threw it behind the ice cooler!! Sorry Marriott housekeeping staff of 1989! The happy ending is I did get the job at Jordan Marsh and started my 30 year career in Corporate Retail after a wild and crazy Shit Show night!! Stay Strong IBS folks!

-Female IBS Sufferer

Rollercoaster of events from our First Lady. I want to congratulate you on your job Anonymous, but I feel like there’s a couple things we should address before that. We don’t judge here, but I gotta say, leaving a bag of shit under your bed all night is an outrageous decision. Can’t be keeping Ziplocks of poo around like that. They’re not benefiting anyone in their path. Next time this happens you walk out of that room to “take a call” and you take that bag with you. If she sees it who cares. Take pride in your work. I don’t know if any IBS Diaries to come will ever contain a wilder series of events taking place post-poo like this again, but stay tuned for the future.

Email me your chronicles for next week at djconrad41@gmail.com or @DannyJConrad.