Apparently Antonio Brown Has Said He Will Not Play Football Again If He Cannot Wear His Old Helmet That Has Been Banned By The NFL. Wait, WHAT?!?

Lets go live to Oakland to see how the Raiders are reacting to this latest development:

Now to Pittsburgh:

Holy shit. When Antonio Brown got traded to the Raiders, everyone celebrated because it meant the return of the crazy circus Al Davis Raiders where you never knew what the fuck was going to happen next. Then Antonio Brown showed up with some frost bitten feet, went radio silent on his franchise, and we all thought it was peak Raiders.

However, this helmet story has since dropped from the clouds in very specific detail from multiple sources and I don’t even know what to think after reading this VERY IMPORTANT (AND VERY BIZARRE) THREAD.

Jon Gruden said he was into fucking nightmares and whoa buddy does he have one now. We already knew next week’s Hard Knocks was a Must Watch because every NFL fan has gotten a taste of preseason football and the Raiders had a very special guest in camp.

But watching actual steam come out of Jon Gruden’s ears when this news is broken to him while mascara and tears stream down Derek Carr’s face as he tries to figure out who his new WR1 is because his superstar WR1 who just arrived on the team is already complaining about everything from his head to his toes makes it Super Duper Must Watch.

The craziest thing about all this is that I 100000% believe that Antonio Brown would straight up retire if he couldn’t wear his helmet. He’s like The Joker in my mind. An agent of chaos. I don’t know if he’s legitimately crazy or crazy like a fox. But he did bitch, moan, and golden mustache his way out of Pittsburgh and into a big fat new contract in Oakland. I have heard of NFL players that retired because their bodies were shot, were sick of the NFL grind, or just hated being a Detroit Lion. But retiring due to having to use safer equipment would be a first.

Then again, now that Vontaze Burfict is AB’s teammate instead of his division rival, the need for that extra safe helmet kinda goes out the window. Maybe it’s because that helmet is magic like Frosty’s hat and turns Antonio into the All Pro stud that can carry a team? I don’t know because I clearly don’t know what’s inside Antonio Brown’s head at any given moment. Regardless, I cannot WAIT to see what happens next while also thanking God this isn’t my football team.

It was all good just 2 weeks ago…

P.S. I hate to be a Back In My Day guy, but back in my day, Al Davis would’ve sued the NFL blind for Antonio’s right to choose how he protects his body. And if that failed, he would have just figured out a way to sneak Antonio’s old helmet in the rules just to jam his thumb in The Shield’s eye. Hopefully Mark can get his check from PF Chang’s and make his father proud by doing some scumbag Raider shit under the table because the NFL is just a better place when the Raiders are the Raiders fucking up everything, including themselves, like the autumn wind.