Tiering Barstool's First Cars

On today’s LCB, we reviewed the latest movie in the Fast franchise, ‘Hobbs & Shaw’. While the movie ended up having fuck-all to do with cars, it did spark some interesting conversation about starter cars. I went around the office and asked the content people what their first cars were, which you can watch here. I collected results and put all of them into 1 of 4 tiers. NOTE: I’m not a huge car guy, so the one’s I don’t know got a google image first-look judgment. So if you’re going to get mad about a certain cars engine performance, Kelly blue book value etc etc, keep in mind that this is alllllll about Style and ZERO about substance.

TIER 1

Trent – 1985 Chevy Caprice

What an absolute beauty. I can already imagine Trent cruising down the streets of Cedar Rapids in this bad boy, getting bad looks from the townsfolk as he blasts extremely uncensored rap songs.

Large – 1972 Buick Electra

Young Large and this car are a perfect pair. He also mentioned that the woman that sold him the car later reported it stolen at least 3 times, and imagining all 6’5 of Large trying to explain to a cop that he didn’t steal a car is a funny visual.

Feitelberg – 2002 Land Rover Discovery

Mush – 1981 Mercedes

Mush had to get pulled over no less than 2,000 times by an ambitious Suffolk County cop looking for an easy drug bust in this jalopy.

Pres – Subaru Wagon (Year Unknown)

aI can’t think of a more smooth or sleek way to parade around Swampscott than in the drivers seat of this beauty.

TIER 2

Big Cat – Purple Dodge Caravan (Year unknown)

I bet Dad Cat wishes he could have this beauty back now. Name suggestion: The Mauve Avenger

PFT – 1994 Astro Van

Both Big Cat and PFT had cars they SHOULD have kept considering they clearly predicted their lives would take them where they are now. I mean, who DOESN’T dream of hosting a podcast from a back of a van where your co host gets their belly button fingered by a movie star?

Me – 1993 Jeep Cherokee

Am I showing my bias here a little? Well, yes. Especially considering my car sucked. My friends nicknamed it the POSM (pronounced possum) which stood for Piece of Shit Mobile. This was mostly because my starter fucking sucked and I would have to push it with a golf club to get my engine running.

Ellie – 2008 Jeep Patriot

Marina – 2005 Ford Freestyle

Grinnell - 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee

Rudy – 2005 Jeep Liberty

Kmarko – 1998 SAAB 900

TIER 3 

Rone – 2002 Honda Odyssey

I just hope to christ Rone never showed up to a rap battle in this sucker. The bars even the worst of battle rappers could make about this might send anyone home in tears.

Chef – 1994 Hyundai Scoupe

I can see this car, if it’s as souped-up as Chef said it was, being kinda hot.

DVD – 2012 Chevy Cruze

Mantis – 2005 Chevy Equinox

Riggs - 2002 Lincoln LS

Jack Mac – Honda CRV (Year unknown)

Robbie - 2008 Toyota Corolla

Jeff D Lowe – 2000 Volvo 280

Donnie – 2004 Nissan Altima

Nate – 1999 Chevy Cavalier

TIER 4 (Shit Tier)

Vibbs – 1992 Geo Tracker

What in the absolute fuck is this thing? This looks like the single auto-export of a former USSR satellite state. What a certified chode! If the Smart Car is Arnold from ‘Hey Arnold’, this car is his cousin Arnie .

Smitty – 1992 Pony Hatchback Ford Escort

I tiered this so low mostly because Smitty said the steering wheel would fly off while he drove it. I thought that scenario was just made up for ‘I Think You Should Leave’, but apparantly he was zooming around Delco in a steering wheel-less car.

Kate – 2000 Hyundai Sonata

Devlin – 1996 Geo Prizm

Kayce - Honda Civic (Year unknown, named “Cassie the Civic”)

Frankie – Mazda Tribute

KB - 2009 Toyota Corolla

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