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Mark Wahlberg Says He's Going to Be a Cowboys Fan Because They Let Him Open a Burger Place at Their Stadium

In case I haven’t been clear on this point, I am not 10 years old. And as such, I don’t care about what things are liked by what celebrities. Whether we’re talking about sneakers, cars, breakfast cereals, politics, golf gear, vacation destinations, Kentucky bourbons. Name it. Influencers have no influence on me. Peyton Manning couldn’t get me to wipe my face if he told me I had food in the corner of my mouth, much less get me to switch my insurance company with a jingle.

And that goes doubly for whatever team some actor is a fan of. So in the time it took me to watch that video I invented 12 new fucks to not give about who Mark Wahlberg claims to be interested in this week. If he wants to be a sellsword because his family is opening a Wahlbergers next to Jerry Jones’ billion dollar monument to Wretched Excess in Frisco, TX, by all means. He can knock himself out.

All I ask of Marky Mark are three things:

1) Pick better scripts than “Transformers: The Last Knight.”
2) To do a good job on “The Six Billion Dollar Man,” because he has my childhood in his hands.
3) Stop pretending he cares about the Patriots.

it’s simple. No more of this:

No more bailing on them, like when he left the stadium as they were losing Super Bowl LI to the Falcons and then blamed it on his kid being sick. Because if they were up 28-3, he never would’ve left except to get down to the field like he spent the whole game at right tackle.

No more of him getting to emcee the banner drop at the home opener, like he did after that game. He should’ve lost that privilege to some famous person who didn’t quit on them. But for sure it needs to be revoked, permanently.

And no more saying he doesn’t care who wins when the Pats face a team who once had a player he portrayed in a movie:

Mostly, the world can cut the shit with the expression “Diehard Patriots fan Mark Wahlberg.” It’s an insult to actual diehard Patriots fans, of whom I know many. There’s an old expression JFK liked to use a lot, usually attributed (wrongly) to Dante’s Inferno: “The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of moral crisis preserve their neutrality.”  Or as George W. Bush put it, usually attributed to grown up Anakin Skywalker, you are either with us, or you are with the Dallas Cowboys.

Again, please don’t take this in any way of me caring. He can shave his head and tattoo the Star onto both sides and breed a new generation of Wahlbergs with the entire Cowboys Cheerleader roster for all it will affect my life. Let’s just stop the lies about him being pals with Tom Brady or a fan of the Pats.

But seriously, do justice to Steve Austin. That I do care about.