Sex Workers Should Be Stationed In The Cardiac Wings Of All Hospitals
As I browsed the internet during my leg-numbing shit this morning I came across a poignant article:
Sex increases chances of survival after a heart attack. Fascinating. My limited knowledge on the subject came from the movies, where I seemed to remember older gentlemen insinuating that they couldn’t partake in the corpal pleasures of this world due to a weakened heart. Poor bastards. We even saw old men dying in movies because of their geriatric love making. Well it seems the Hollywood libs had taken yet another liberty.
Everywhere I looked there were articles suggesting the same thing.
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It seemed like a scientific consensus. The people need to be fuckin. In fact fuckin saves lives.
Tangent: I saw a film last night (Luce, which was lovely) and one of the three listed producers was Andrew Yang. That’s right Andrew Yang the presidential candidate, who has vowed to shove $12,000 a year down the throat of every man, woman and them of fighting age. A real solutions-based guy. But also a guy who is following multiple dreams simultaneously; his political dream of chasing the presidency and his creative dream of producing sweet flicks. Why couldn’t I simultaneously serve two masters as well? Craft side splitting content for Barstool Sports while concurrently solving the burgeoning issues of the health care sector. I could be solution-based too!
Which brings me to this morning. After I read the article I sprung up from the toilet, then my knees immediately buckled because by then my legs were all the way asleep. As I stomped out he pins and needles, my mind crackled awake and the perfect answer bubbled into my mind.
Sex workers should be stationed in the cardiac wings of all hospitals.
It made so much sense. Why hadn’t anyone else thought of it. Forget two birds with one stone, this is killing the entire flock with a grain of sand. Let’s look at the issues.
1) Sex work is becoming ever more accepted in this world in which we live in. In fact the world’s oldest profession is undergoing their own transition from taboo to equal representation. We see people everywhere lobbying for the fair treatment of sex workers.
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What better way to support and normalize something that was once frowned upon than to elevate its status to that of a medical procedure?
2) Heart disease is responsible 1 in every 4 deaths. It is the leading cause of death for both men and women. 610,000 people die every year from heart disease. 735,000 Americans have a heart attack every year. These are serious numbers, serious issues and this should be addressed.
We do all kinds of terrible things after a heart attack that no one wants to do, from eat Cheerios to riding the Tony Little Gazelle. That’s not fun for anyone. Now, equipped with the knowledge that fuckin actual helps the heart, why not make rehab fun? Why not let the old people enjoy themselves?
3) Insurance companies are caking. They’re making bank. Why not shift the onus of hiring a dealing with sex workers to them? It’s a win-win if insurance workers start covering sex workers as a premium; we get to stay alive and they get to continue to collect exorbitant sums of cash at seemingly every turn.
After all, who knows more about a single payer option than a trench coated perv handing over a wad of cash in the red light district. This system would take the shadiness and shame out of the situation. And when you copay is a hopay, everyone wins.
4) Women need fuckin too. For everyone who’s mind has snapped to outdated gender norms and are only imagining octogenarian grandpas in these scenarios, maybe pull your head out of your ass (which is clearly stuck in the 50s). 35% of deaths of women over 20 are heart attacks. These women need fuckin too.
Which means one thing. Gigolos! Brace from Las Vegas can get medevaced in to give your great aunt a life-saving fuckfest that she’ll never forget. I’m thinking manwhores so smooth that they’ll make Lucille’s heart flutter, and I’m telling you, in this case that’s a good thing.
5) Couples will be brought closer together. Sure, the option of doctor mandated prostitution would tickle some people’s fancies. But what about the couples that are still together? Well friends, that problem solves itself. With the increased pheromones in the air that the sex workers naturally bring, commingling with intoxicating scent of gratuitously over-applied Polo Black that the sex workers naturally bring, it would create a high-potency aphrodisiac the likes of which this world has never seen before.
Suddenly blood is rushing to forgotten appendages. Things are getting hard and wet that had been retired as soft and dry years ago. In one fell swoop, the elderly have a new lease on love and it’s all due to the stationing of sex workers in hospitals.
So there you have it. A solutions-based approach to crime, health and a slew of other problems facing America. An idea so good that it merits write in status come next November. I’m not gonna be the one to say it, but people (namely me) have been saying Rone 2020.