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The Celtics Team USA Jersey Number Selections Are Erotic City

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Just when you thought the entire Celtics roster taking over Team USA and saving America couldn’t get any better, we now see what numbers everyone will be wearing and goddammit I’d be lying if I said this blatant pandering wasn’t working. It’s impossible to be a fan of this team and see everyone’s choices and NOT start to get a little hot and bothered.

Jayson Tatum – 34

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Be still my heart. Not only does this make sense because Tatum was some Paul Pierce in his game, but seeing the player of the future rock the number of my all time favorite Celtic is making my brain do wild things. I’ve said it before, but for people around my age who didn’t get to see prime Larry Legend, that is what Pierce is for me.

If I could choose one aspect of Pierce’s game that I want Tatum to have for next season, it’s clearly his FT rate. Pierce was had a career FTr of 45% while on the Celtics, which is move than double what Tatum had last year

Jaylen Brown – 33

Was this an excuse to post that mixtape? You bet your ass but who on earth would complain about that? On the surface there aren’t too many similarities between Larry Bird’s game and what we see from Jaylen Brown, but maybe he’s trying to tell us something. Maybe Jaylen is doing everything he can to absorb any bit of Larry Bird’s game into his arsenal, and if we’re going to have tributes to Celtics legends, a wing had to have 33 on there. If I could choose one aspect of Larry’s game I want to see Jaylen adapt, it’s the handle. We all know by now Jaylen needs to improve his handle if he’s going to have a higher usage, and you give him like 65% of Larry Bird’s handles because he’s rocking 33, well that makes all the difference in the world.

Kemba Walker – 26

OK so this one is weird. I mean I know Phil Pressey was a backup point guard legend, but Kemba could have gone in a different direction given there are a billion Celtics legends to choose from. He’s new around here so I’m willing to cut him some slack.

Marcus Smart – 40

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What a choice by Marcus Smart to go with HOF talent and major major player of my younth in Dino Radja. As if he wasn’t already perfect enough, this choice may have sealed it. It was only a 4 year run in a Celtics uniform but my God what a 4 years it was. If there was one area of Dino’s game I want to translate to Marcus it’s clearly the efficiency offensively. A career 49% shooter taking 13 shots a night, imagine what that would do to Smart’s season if he was able to match that production? I’m getting light headed just thinking about it. I’m also convinced this jersey number selection also comes with a pack of cigarettes because you have to stay on brand.

I already felt great about these four building chemistry with Team USA so they hit the ground running once camp opens, but now we get to see them destroy the rest of the world while wearing the numbers of some of the biggest legends in franchise history? Who even remembers that dogshit team we saw last year, 2019-20 could not be off to a better start.