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The Key To Surviving A Mountain Lion Attack Is To Blast Metallica As Loud As You Possibly Can

KelownaNow – A Vancouver Island resident is thanking heavy metal titans Metallica for her narrow miss with a cougar on Tuesday evening.

Dee Gallant and her husky Murphy, were out for their usual evening stroll on a logging road just outside of Duncan, BC in the Cowichan Valley, when she said she felt “like something was watching” them…It wasn’t until the predator was creeping toward them that she realized what it was…

..Thinking quickly, Gallant took to her phone’s music library to try and find something that sounded the most human and most threatening, it was then that she landed on the track “Don’t Tread On Me” by Metallica…


The thing about nature is that it’s scary as frick. I know that we as humans like to think that we’re hot shit and on top of the food chain, but that’s only in the comfort of our own society. The moment we step into nature? The moment we as humans decide to go on the road and play an away game with these wild beasts, it’s over. We may pull off a few road wins here and there when we bring guns and arrows to the fight. But with zero weaponry involved? We’re fucking toast.

Or at least we used to be. But the one thing that separates us from the animals is that god put Metallica into our lives for a reason. It may have taken close to 40 years for us to figure it out, but we’ve finally learned that Metallica wasn’t placed on this Earth just to be a band that can completely rock your dick off. Metallica is here to save everybody from getting brutally mauled to death by mountain lions and other vicious beasts alike.

Got a mountain lion ready to turn you into a 4-course dinner? Throw some “Don’t Tread On Me” on.

Got a bear stalking you down for a nice little afternoon snack? “Seek & Destroy” is there to make sure you can go back home to your family again.

Elephant about to turn you into some flapjacks for breakfast? “Enter Sandman” and goodbye elephant.

Simple as that. The only issue is that you need to take evolution into consideration here. Eventually at some point, the animals are going to realize that Metallica fucking rocks and they’re going to start to enjoy the music. Eventually it’s going to make them even more violent and jacked up to tear you to pieces. But evolution takes a long ass time so I think we should all be good for now. Just whatever you do, make sure to download an album on your phone in case of an emergency. But make sure you actually pay for the album or else the power of Metallica won’t work for you.