This List is Wrong and I'm Upset

I know you all may find this hard to believe, but I read something on the internet that I disagreed with today. And it made me angry. I will give you all some time to cope with the shock you are feeling at this moment.

I’m not quite sure what qualifies as “tortured”??? Two of these teams (Giants, Packers) have won Super Bowls this decade. The Falcons and 49ers have competed in Super Bowls within the last seven seasons and the 49ers cut down the nets in 1994. For all their current woes, the Giants have two rings in the Eli era and they BOTH came against Tim Brody. The Packers have had Hall of Fame quarterback play for the better part of the last 30 years or so. What’s tortured about that? Thankfully, Trilly is here to give you the real list:

Trilly’s 10 Most Tortured NFL Fan Bases

1. Buffalo Bills

After much deliberation, the Bills are the most tortured fan base in the NFL. As you may have heard, they made four straight Super Bowls in the 1990s and lost four straight Super Bowls in the 1990s. They recently celebrated beaking a 17 season playoff drought by dismantling the team that got them there. They literally threw dicks on the field. They are numero uno, by far.

2. Detroit Lions

The Lions won the NFL Championship in 1957. The shit wasn’t even called the Super Bowl yet so you know the game itself was trash. Since then, they’ve won exactly one playoff game: in 1991 they rolled the Cowboys 38-6 and that was that. That was Barry Sanders lone playoff win. Calvin Johnson made the playoffs twice and lost both. And now, they’re paying Matthew Stafford $29 million dollars per season. Money well spent.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since 1990, and it hasn’t been for lack of attempts. They made the postseason in 2005, just in time for the franchise QB to tear his ACL on the first pass of the game. It was a completion! The guy that caught the pass is now dead (RIP).

After breaking their playoff streak, they made the postseason six times in seven seasons. They lost all six times. The most recent time? They led a division rival at home with 1:36 left and fumbled/personal fouled the win away. Imagine ever being a fan of this organization.

4. Cleveland Browns

Their last playoff win? 1994 when Billy Belichick led them over the Patriots. The team didn’t exist in 1996 but then did again in 1999. And now they’re good??? That’s how fast the NFL moves.

5. Minnesota Vikings

This team has seen agony. Plenty of playoff wins is what has them this low but they’ve had some bad playoff losses, most recently getting smoked by the Philly Foleses. But let us not forget, the best offense of all time (at that point) losing to the next team on this list in the 1998 NFCCG.

6. Atlanta Falcons

7. Washington {Redacted}

It’s not just the awful owner. It’s not just the awful name. It’s not just the 14 seasons since their last postseason victory. It’s not just the RG3 experiment starting out beautifully and ending painfully. It’s not just their QB suffering one of the most gruesome football injuries since….former Washington QB Joey Theismann.

Actually, yeah it’s just all those things. Holy shit what a bad run.

8. Miami Dolphins

Their last playoff win was over a 24-year-old Peyton Manning. Since then:

-the running back retired to smoke weed

-the head coach left to become the best college football coach of all time

-they had a 1-15 season

-invented the Wildcat

-saw the Wildcat destroyed before their very eyes.

9. Arizona Cardinals

I didn’t realize how much slander Kurt Warner saved the Cardinals from, holy smokes. Warner aside, they have two playoff wins since 1947! The Palmer/Arians era was exciting but short-lived. The Wilkes/Rosen era was excruciating but short-lived. Robert Sarver being the worst owner in the four major sports might keep the heat off the Cardinals a bit.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They have the second-longest current playoff drought, after the Browns, at 11 seasons. There was Schiano and Morris and Lovie and Koetter. Oh and Jon Gruden! They have the 2002 title as a trump card, but that Bucs core team won just two playoff games outside the Super Bowl year. And now they have Jameis and Vita Vea.

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Sorry Steven Cheah.

Honorable Mention: New York Jets

They’ve been abysmal but for all the losses and laughs, they’ve beaten Tom Brady in the playoffs this decade. That alone disqualifies them.