It’s the bottom of the 9th inning. The Cubs are leading the St. Louis Cardinals 2-0 with Craig Kimbrel coming on to face the heart of the Red Bird order. Generally and historically, you’d feel good about the Cubs’ spot, but lately it seems like we lose every fucking game under identical circumstances.
We’re ready for the worst.
I’m sitting on my balcony recording my now famous Instagram live 9th-inning/postgame show officially known as The Barstool Carl (not featuring David DeJesus) Chicago Cubs Postgame Show. It’s my attempt to directly compete with David DeJesus for your eyeballs at the end and after Cubs’ games. My production value is low but don’t deny the passion
So I’m sitting on my balcony, recording the show / slugging Miller Lites responsibly and hanging on for dear life. The Cubs need this game about as bad as any game they’ve needed in a solid year and I’m doing my best to keep it together. Anyone who knows anything about the 2019 Chicago Cubs knows that’s not the easiest task. But I’m doing my best.
Paul DeJong leads off.
I’m finishing a story/hypothetical about what it would take for me to fight a stranger in a foreign city while traveling with the Cubs on a road game. My conditions were pretty basic: he needed to be talking shit about the Cubs, I’d have to know I could kick his ass, that it was low-risk for law enforcement intervention etc. But most importantly I’d have to know I could win the fight.
DeJong fouls off 96 on the inner half.
We’re now talking about how to pitch DeJong 0-1 when you have Kimbrel’s stuff. I’m leaning hard breaking ball here because DeJong is super aggressive with anything up and over the plate. This seems like a slam dunk to bury breaker after breaker down and away.
Kimbrel winds and fires.
96 dotted on the outside corner. I was wrong.
I take my attention down to mentions at this point to find out there’s commotion because Brandi Love was walking amongst us. I’ll shut up now and go to the tape:
Obviously I’m rattled as all fuck.
First time Brandi or any other pornstar decided to blow my spot up like that and completely without warning but this isn’t a blog about how to carry yourself around living legends. This is a story about how Brandi Love saved the Cubs so let’s get back to it.
Brandi comes on right as Paul DeJong strikes out. Good karma, right?
Kolten Wong proceeded to line a single up the middle. Rangel Ravelo (a real person) followed with a double to left center.
It’s 2-0 Cubs with runners on 2nd and 3rd and 1 out. Everyone everywhere knows that the Cubs are about to lose this game until what.
Until Brandi Love starts blowing kisses to us and wishing us good luck and sweet dreamz and all that good shit that she knows I love
And boom what happens next?
Groundball to 3rd base – Kolten Wong stays at 3rd.
No run scores. 2 outs.
Next hitter is light hitting utility infielder Yairo Munoz and of course he strikes out.
There’s pandamonium as the Cubs hang on. Everyone’s going nuts and in the shuffle no one realizes it was Brandi Love all along pulling strings on Major League outcomes. And now that she’s basically declared herself loyal to us and the Chicago Cubs, I think we need to revisit our WS odds.
I’m not taking the helmet off. I’m not slowing down. It’s the Cubs vs. everyone and I’m leading the charge with Brandi Love here on out.