Daily Mail - In the first flush of love, it’s perfectly natural to try to spend as much time as you can with that special person. But an American couple took that to the extreme and decided to test the strength of their feelings for each other by spending 48 hours handcuffed together. Mark Malkoff and his wife Christine, from New York, undertook the patience-stretching ordeal to see just how solid their marriage is. Mr Malkoff, a comedian, writer, and filmmaker who formerly worked for Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, and Christine soon learned that even simple tasks like doing the dishes, going for a meal and food shopping suddenly become a test of flexibility and team work when you are shackled together.
Remember yesterday when I just said that being stuck on a plane with diarrhea is the worst thing imaginable? Scratch that! That lasted a grand total of like 12 hours as my new worst nightmare after I saw this little experiment.
Can’t imagine anything worse than being handcuffed to your significant other for 48 hours. And I’m not even saying that as some sort of tough guy either. This is absolutely awful for all parties involved. Because lets cut right to the chase – this challenge is basically saying “we’re going to shit right in front of each other for the next 2 days.” Best case scenario is a set up like these 2 had where you can kind of close the door over and get some privacy. In a lot of other situations, you have gotta be right in the mix during poop time. And to be honest, I don’t know who thats worse for. Obviously a guy shitting is gonna be worse. Smellier, nastier, longer. Your girl is gonna have to witness several minutes of a toilet massacre. On the flip side though, chicks already know dudes are gross. This might be an explicit example right in their face, but at least they already know its coming. Dudes on the other hand – we wanna live under the false notion that our women never shit. So even if its 1/10th the production that it might be for a guy to take a dump, witnessing your lady first hand blow up that toilet is gonna be a scarred-for-life sort of scenario.
This also means there’s no escaping farts. You’re both farting directly on top of each other for the next 2 days. No jerking off for the fellas. Unless your lady is just cool with you crackin stick literally 6 inches away from her. And for all you young, single Stoolies about to say “Jerking off? Why don’t you just have sex with her?” – HA! Sex. Yea. Sure thing. I feel like on night one I’d have to wake her up and be like “Honey this is usually when I sneak off the the bathroom to J.O., you wanna come or should I just do it here?” Every time you flip your boner into your waistband, her hand is there. Anytime you scratch your ass, she’s practically scratching your ass too. Any time your chick does the girly equivalent of those things, its right in your face. Its a lose lose for everyone involved.
And for all you weird old men who already shit and fart and piss in front of your women without handcuffs, you’re fucking gross.