Tim Tebow Is Lighting The World On FIRE In AAA

Okay now I’ll preface this by saying I loathe Tim Tebow.  I fucking hate his guts top to bottom.  It’s 99% an irrational hatred, but those who know… know.  We’re few and far between, but Tim Tebow haters dab up like Wrangler owners.  We take pride in our ability to hate this asshole.

But yes, he was one of the greatest college QBs ever.  One of the greatest college football players ever in fact.  Seemingly a nice dude.  But he SUCKED at QB.  FUCK OUTTA HERE for anyone who thinks differently.  Sure, he might have been able to stick as a third stringer in the league for a few years, but that is it.  He was so goddamn bad at playing NFL QB that he was getting laughed off his own practice field by his teammates on the Jets.  The JETS!!!!!  Think about that for just one moment before you try to rebut me.

Do you agree now?  Good.  Let’s continue:

People also deify him like he was the next coming of Jesus Christ.  Literally:

But the dude just comes off as a complete phony to me.  Sure it’s just be me being a petty asshole and he probably is a good dude.  But I kinda have this image in my brain where he’s like Reg McWorthy from Eastbound and Down.  All God-y and spiritual in front of the camera, buying 8 balls from Kleg off it:

But what I really, really hate about him is that he just upped and tried to play baseball all willy nilly.  And people GAVE it to him for no reason other than he was a great college QB who sucked in the NFL.  Keith Law was at his pro workout and this is what he had to say:

“I think Tim Tebow should stick to announcing.  He was the worst player I’ve ever seen in the 10 years I’ve been going to the Arizona Fall League”

That’s a direct quote.  Incredible.  And yes, Keith Law is a petty asshole just like me, but he also knows hitting inside and out.  If he doesn’t like a hitter, you shouldn’t like a hitter and vice versa.  He is SO smart when it comes to hitting.  So when he says Tebow is the worst player to ever play in the AFL… that’s bad.  Adam Engel won the MVP in that league, mind you.

And Tebow is not some athletic freak, either.  People assume he is, but he isn’t.  He’s more brute strength, which doesn’t directly correlate with being good at baseball, but he’s not some super freak athlete like say… Yoan Moncada.  Or Luis Robert.  Or Byron Buxton.  Or Mike Trout.  If he were like one of those guys, you could justify giving him a pro look and extended pro playing time.  But his 40 time was an unspectacular 4.72 at the combine, his vertical am okay 38.5 inches.  He’s built more like a tight end, and one that could play in the NFL.  But he turned that down multiple times when it was offered to him.  What a PHONY!!!!

Yet teams still enabled him and gave him a pro tryout.  And it was the Mets who ended up signing him, because of course it was.  He’s a side show to them; a novelty.  He’s not there to help him win games.  He’s there to line Wilpon’s pockets and that’s it.  But the sickening thing, aside from his stats which we’ll get to in a minute, is people will actually come to see him play when he gets called up this September.  And you BET YOUR ASS he will get called up.  In spite on not having earned it or helping a team that’s trying to half assed compete.  He’ll do it because he’s, once again, a side show.  And if Tebow had any dignity (he doesn’t) he’d quit this act and the Mets would give his roster spot to someone who might help them, ya know, win baseball games in the future.

So without further adieu, I present to you Tim Tebow’s 2019 AAA Slash Line:

This makes me so, so, so happy.