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Bagel Bites vs. Totino's Pizza Rolls: The Great Debate


There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes who he is and what he’s all about. And that time comes when he finally grows a set of nuts and decides whether he is going to be Team Bagel Bites or Team Pizza Rolls. Honestly, I think this is one of the most important question you need to ask yourself if you’re going through a point of self-reflection. Now I’m not here to judge anybody for which side they ultimately place themselves on because in order for the world to exist, there needs to be good guys and there needs to be bad guys. But let me make this abundantly clear; if you prefer Pizza Rolls over Bagel Bites, you are an asshole. But I’m not some plebeian imbecile. I realize that there is a case to be made for each side so let’s do that right now.

Pizza Rolls: The one thing that Pizza Rolls obviously have over Bagel Bites is their selection. There’s somewhere around like 15 different flavors of Pizza Rolls as opposed to the classic 5 that Bagel Bites puts out. The crust has a lot of flavor and I can’t knock the product at all on taste. Like I said, both Pizza Rolls and Bagel Bites are delicious. But as Smitty pointed out in this week’s podcast, Pizza Rolls have the same problem as Hot Pockets. Unless you’re a professional chef, your Pizza Rolls typically either have freezing cold centers or the entire thing turns into lava and you burn the shit out of your mouth. Also, some of times the insides explode out of the crust when you cook them and then it’s just one big fucking mess. Taste is great, but I don’t even think Bobby Flay knows how to master the art of cooking Pizza Rolls.

Bagel Bites: Again, Bagel Bites doesn’t have the same variety as Pizza Rolls. They don’t have a million flavors to offer but there’s a little saying that goes “Less is more”. When you break down the battle between Bagel Bites and Pizza Rolls, you have to take it from an even standpoint. Plain vs. Plain. Pepperoni vs. Pepperoni. And that’s where Bagel Bites just absolutely kick the shit out of Pizza Rolls. I mean think about it. This takes 2 of the greatest inventions in the world, pizza and bagels, and puts them together as one. Not that this is any area of expertise for me or anything, but I have to imagine that would be like somehow getting blown while you’re in the midst of p-in-v sex. Like there’s some mythical little creature in there doming you off mid thrust. Trying to paint a picture here for you. But yeah, pound for pound I go Bagel Bites 10/10 times. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy Pizza Rolls here and there. But if I have to go with one for the rest of my life, you can bet your sweet ass that I’d have no problem burning down the Pizza Roll factory.

Vote 1 for Pizza Rolls and the world to burn. Vote 10 for Bagel Bites over everything.

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