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The Blue Checkmarks are Freaking the Fuck Out Over Tom Brady Cliff Jumping With His Daughter

So now we’ve got yet another controversy that can only be followed by typing “Tom Brady” and “cliff” into a search bar. Somewhere Max Kellerman sits in a dark place with his knees clutched to his chest sobbing over his lost relevance.

What’s the issue this time? Why are we once again harping on the methods by which Brady and Gisele raise their genetically perfect children? Lord help us, his baby is naked on a beach! Goodness gracious, their children ride horses without helmets! Heavens to Betsy, he kisses his son on the mouth! Now those same inferior beings have the vapors why? Because he pulled his daughter off a cliff when she hesitated? That’s what’s got people clutching their pearls and flopping onto their fainting couches?

Sweet Jesus, we live in a world of fathers who haven’t had a role in their kid’s lives since they raw dogged their moms at conception. Of condomphobic athletes who spread their seed like farmers, and every day is planting season. Whose children represent nothing more than a percentage taking off their paychecks, if they pay at all. But right, let’s all tie our dicks in a knot over the man who’s showing his daughter a great time on an adventure that any 6-year-old would consider a dream vacation.

Have at it. Give him your worst, losers. Fire all your bullets, bombs, missiles, nukes and Kryptonite weapons at the Brady Bundchens. And once again when the smoke clears and the dust settles, they’ll still be standing. Still leading their optimal life. Still doing a better job raising kids than all the Blue Checkmarks halfassing their way through parenthood.

Simply put, there are the kinds of parents that would pull their daughters with them on a cliff dive, and there are parents that wouldn’t pull their daughters with them on a cliff dive. And it’s not hard to figure out which of them are raising winners. Fearless, confident, strong, adventurous, independent, achieving winners. Show me that 6 year old girl who knows she can take a literal leap of faith with her dad, squealing with glee the whole way down to the water, and I’ll show you a future successful adult.

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To all the nobodies complaining, best of luck raising your kids to live lives of fear, timidity and over-caution. At least they’ll have the Brady children’s lives of action and excitement to keep them from being bored to death.