Barstool Power Rankings: The Top Community Members

ATTN FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSISTANT TO THE DIRECTOR OF STOOL SCENES:

Alright folks, Stool Scenes is back to its old ways this week after trying a creative experiment wherein we collided the foremost authorities in thought leadership to commentate on a best of episode. Yeah it was weird, (super weird) but where else on the internet will you find a panel that consists of a foreign correspondent, a 69 year old intern, and Hodor’s stunt double?

All that clip does is make me wonder how Big Tennessee, who has to have the biggest lungs in the office/North America, managed to push out a weaker breath than a mouse. While Jilly, who is in a tight race for smallest lungs next to Ellie, let out a snort that would have startled a horse. Maybe it was because Tennessee had a collapsed lung from when Caleb threw a hamburger at him, and maybe for Jilly it was because her snort wasn’t a snort at all, but actually a well timed fart. We’ll just never know.

It also makes me wonder who of that three would win if they were finalists in the Hunger Games. Obviously, Jilly is at a physical disadvantage but she’s a mother which makes me think she could win by simply avoiding simple hazards and having more common sense than Donnie and Tennessee. Donnie on the other hand is also smart but I don’t think he has any gifts physically since he walks with a limp. Also there’s a good chance he tries to eat an exotic plant and accidentally poisons himself. And Tennessee, well I don’t know him that well, but he’s gargantuan so he clearly has the physical edge. I do worry however that he’s the type to lose his sense of direction and walk off a cliff. So overall its a somewhat fair match up between the three of them.

If I had to gamble on it I would say that Jilly and Tennessee team up against Donnie, because they are both interns. And in order to capitalize on Jilly’s brain and Tennessees size, Jilly would mount Tennessee and ride him like a horse until they find Donnie, who will probably be wandering the jungle looking for nicotine, and thus completely unprepared for an attack. Once they find each other, Donnie wouldn’t stand a chance against a mega human, especially without any nicotine. So he goes down. After that, I can’t see neither Jilly nor Tennessee being able to kill each other so they would just live together until Tennessee inevitably jogs off that cliff I was talking about.

Side note, I don’t think Tennessee blinked once during the entire taping.

But the experiment is over so now so we move onto this week which includes the lead up to RnR 9, behind the scenes of KFC Radio Live, a pup punk music video that almost didn’t happen, and the release of some groundbreaking outdoor content. I usually like to set the table each week with an analogy but I went kind of hard on that hunger games hypothetical so were just going to get started.

4.) Most Active in the Community: Dave

It really is amazing to have a boss that is willing to take time out of his hard earned vacation to take a private plane to hang out with professional athletes. I know that he puts on a tough exterior but he really does care. Just look at how much he did for Bryce by just showing his face. Bryce is on fire now. And Kevin? Well, Kevin clearly needs a strong male role model after what he said on front of that child. I don’t know about you guys the whole thing just warmed my heart.

It was harding putting Dave at number 4 because he set such a good example but I think he is getting his happiness from all the souls he is touching.

3.) Most Active in the Community Runner Up: Big Cat

Big Cat took a huge step in transforming into Daddy Cat, by finally reporting for Jury Duty after a three year stale mate. I had to put him ahead of Dave in the rankings because Jury Duty is far more of a sacrifice than hanging out with your high profile friends. At the same time he’s the runner up because technically he’s required to do it. Also what’s a bigger Dad move then erasing a street dog from existence?

I’m also realizing that Big Cat may actually just be the real life version of Stanley Hudson.

2.) Most Actively Disliked in Their Community: Tommy Smokes

Tommy comes in at the number four slot because he impacted more people than anyone this week. Unfortunately, it was outraged vapers who seem to know who Tommy is but also don’t know he is the sole reason their community was brought to life on SNL.

Call me crazy, but I think vapers are upset.

*Side note, vaping may be more healthy than smoking. But people seem to be forgetting that you can just quit smoking.

1.) Most Active in the Outdoors: YP

I’d be damned if I didn’t put YP in the number one slot after how much work went into outdoors episode 1. Last summer when YP brought me on I really had no clue I’d be working on an outdoors show and I definitely didn’t know it would take a year to come out. At times it felt like we were working on Medellin, in which case I would be Turtle, which is totally fine I would never want to be Vince. But it was a blast working on it and I cant wait for the rest to come out. Shout out to Logan and YP.

Check it out, and grab some merch.

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