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Starting 5 All Fat Face Team (Updated After Last Night's National Championship Game)



Original Blog is from 2 years ago but needed an update after last night.


Alright so last week I mentioned that Carmelo Anthony has an all time Fat Face, which spun on the thought that we needed a Fat Face Starting 5 squad of professional athletes. Now before I get going let me qualify fat faces because there has been some dispute. Andy Reid doesn’t have a fat face, he’s just fat. Just like Charlie Weis or Prince Fielder or Casey Hampton or anyone who is a legit fat person.


To be on the Fat Face All-Stars you need to be a guy like me. Diesel down low, fat up top. It’s an anomaly. My face shouldn’t be fat because I’m not fat but it is. So that’s the definition. Now to the team. Also note, this is only fat faces for Professional athletes.



Center – Big Ben



ENORMOUS face. I don’t even understand how it is so big. His cheeks, his neck, his forehead, everything. Just as large and fat as a fat face can get. 2 things I especially love about Ben’s Fat Face. 1) his double chin is the sneakiest double chin out there. It’s not an every day fat guy’s double chin, it’s like someone just drew a line on his face where his chin should be, but there’s no real chin there.

2) When Big Ben wears eyeblack the lines on his face are like a boat on the horizon that looks like it’s about to fall off the face of the earth. Does Big Ben’s face ever stop? No, it goes on for Infinity.



Power Forward – Phil Kessel



You know when you start to get older, and party a little less yet every now and then you string 3-4 nights together like the good old days where you drink and eat poorly and make terrible life decisions. But your body isn’t used to that lifestyle and it can’t bounce back the way it used to, so you wake up the first morning after your bender and look in the mirror. That’s exactly what Phil Kessel sees every day of his life.

Small Forward – Matthew Stafford



When was the last time Matt Stafford saw his jaw and or cheek bone? 3rd grade? 2nd grade? I’m honestly curious. And yes, part of this is jealousy, because I have a fat face too yet I’m not sleeping with this.



Shooting Guard – Cardale Jones and Ezekial Elliot (yes I cheated and put two players at one position)

And here is your update. Let’s start with Cardale.

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Remember when Kanye got in a car accident and his face BLEW up from all the trauma?

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h/t dano for the pic

That’s basically what Cardale looks like 24/7/365. He’s like a chipmunk hiding a couple of nuts in his cheeks before a long winter. The one caveat here is that Cardale is 250 lbs, a little bit of the JaMarcus Russell lifestyle and he could become legitimately fat thus eliminating him from fat face consideration.



Ezekial Elliot

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No joke when they interviewed Ezekial last night I thought he was a lineman, not a guy who spent the past 4 hours in a tummy shirt shredding the Oregon offense. If you’ve ever gotten your wisdom teeth taken out that’s basically what Ezekial looks like. Like I was half expecting him to pull some bloody gauze out of the back of his mouth, drink a smoothie and pop a vicodin. What we learned is, fat faces win Championships. Bulk Up Mariota, pussy.



Point Guard – Hyun Jin Ryu

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You know how when you draw a stick figure you make a big circle for the face? That is exactly what Ryu’s face looks like.


Quick close your eyes.

Ryu or a drawing?



Quick close your eyes again. Ryu or a drawing?



Exactly. No chance you know the answer. Not even a hint of a sharp angle anywhere. Just a big giant circle. Zero definition.




Bumped down out of the starting 5 – Randy Bullock

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Randy Bullock looks like the kid that went to an Ivy league school, studied his ass off all life and hasn’t once, not once, seen the inside of a gym. He’s got a fat face but it’s not because he’s fat, it’s because he has never lifted a weight in his life. The very definition of a soft body. He’s like a big giant pillow.


Jhonny Peralta


Eric Gordon



Juan Uribe









Answer Key

1. Ryu

2. Drawing.