Yesterday the Yankees were rained out so I decided to take a trip to my local cinema and see Spiderman (it was awesome). You see, I have a strict routine at the movies. I go alone. I sit in the middle towards the right side. I order a medium popcorn and medium soda so I don’t get too full or have to go to the bathroom. I stick a straw through the butter dispenser so I maximize my butter distribution to all popcorn kernels. And last, but certainly not least, I take my sneakers/shoes off as I recline into full relaxation. Yeah, you heard me right buddy boy. And before you question me, I’m keeping my socks on for the love of god. If you’re going barefoot here then you deserve to have your feet chopped off. That’s crossing the line. We’re rocking socks in this blog.
These days movie theaters have transformed into our own personal living rooms. The movies now have these incredibly comfy, red leather recliners that help you sink into nirvana as you watch your favorite films. They’re fantastic. My home theater in Jersey was one of the first to get on this train years ago, and now the rest of the world has caught up.
The idea of the movie theater these days is to make you feel at home. Well, when I’m on my couch I’m not wearing my shoes. I’m relaxing, with my feet up and not a care in the free world. You’re goddamn right this translates to the movie theater. Obviously there are those who work at this fine company called Barstool Sports who disagree with this action. They haven’t seen the light yet. What a shame.
Is this not America? We’re trying to maximize our comfort here, not imprison ourselves. Now I myself don’t have ogre feet like Coley so that could be a factor here. God knows what smell that behemoth is unloading once he takes his shoes off. Maybe it’s for the best, but if you’re a normal human being and you aren’t coming straight from playing 7 hours of basketball and working up a gigantic sweat, taking off your sneakers at the movies shouldn’t affect any person in the theater. No one will notice. It will only benefit you.
On top of enjoying yourself, you’re also being courteous to other guests who are going to sit in that seat in the future. When I was driving to the movies it was pouring rain out. I, along with everyone else, was dragging in filth from the outside on the bottom of my shoes. I’m doing everyone a favor by taking off my sneakers. That’s just rude to put up your sneakers in that situation. Would you put your dirty sneakers on someone else’s couch? Don’t think so. I’m actually being a hero here. If you’re not taking your sneakers off, you’re actually the villain. You should be locked up.
As I close this correct blog I’d like to point out my close personal friend Abella Danger agrees with me because she’s intelligent, unlike you peasants.
I ran a poll on my Instagram @Eric_Hubbs and the results were 50/50. They should be 100/0, but there are still many of you terrified to live a little.
Take off your sneakers at the movies and fully enter couch mode. Just leave your socks on, this is a society.