I Love Mai Tai Guy

My Updated Chicago Summer Celebrity Power Rankings:

5. Oprah (↔)

4. Gator Bob (↓ 2)

3.  The Guy From The Cubs Who Sent That Ridiculous Email (↑5)

2. Gator Rob (unranked)

1.  Mai Tai Guy (↑69)

I know everyone’s freaking out right now about Mai Tai guy because he stole the ball from those kids. But most of those people are stupid *and* wrong.

You don’t have to be a horrible person to make that move. Science shows that instinct takes over in that situation 100/100 times. The fact it’s Mai Tai Guy only means that much more animalistic behavior. Or in the words of Gator Bob you can’t blame an alligator for acting like an alligator. So lighten up because God knows MTG wouldn’t judge you for doing significantly worse.

That said, you absolutely 100% have have to be a horrible person to look at that ball and not instantly see those crying kids faces for the rest of your life. That’s the sociopathic part of this. It’s not he Kyle Schwarber Home Run Ball that no one gives a fuck about. It’s the Kyle Schwarber Home Run Ball You Boxed Out A Couple Of 11 Year Olds For While Making Yourself The Most Inhuman Douchebag On The Planet In The Process Ball that no one gives a fuck about. I can’t imagine that’s good for karma and I can’t imagine that sits well with God.

And that’s why I love MTG.

Mai Tai Guy doesn’t give a fuck about your standards of behavior. All Gas No Brakes like you read about. Probably closed down Pink Monkey last night before taking an Uber back to Aurora while barfing jaeger bomb out on 290 the whole way back to 88.

See you later today MTG. I’ll be in left center waiting with a beef.