Casting The RnR 9 Movie

Alfred Hitchcock

Something occurred to me as the company started gearing up for the 9th RnR these past few weeks. What exactly would the Rough n Rowdy movie look like? A boxing classic like ‘Rocky’? More of an artistic one like ‘Raging Bull’? Or maybe a total shitshow that is marred with fights in the stands, player suspensions and technical problems. Probably that last one, but the more important question is: who would be in the cast? I turned on my ole movie brain and got to work, and these are the results.

Travis “Titan” Thurman vs William “Khaos” Henderson

Henderson3Hauser2

Paul Walter Hauser is about as close to Titan Thurman as we can get without using some sort of CGI Thanos creation. He’s large, bearded and for those of you that have seen ‘I, Tonya’ know, he can play a country bumpkin with ease. D-Von is a little up there in years and doesn’t have a striking resemblance to Khaos, but he has the athletic ability to pull off a believable boxer. Plus, having him in the movie will mean the threat of Bubba Ray and a table are not far behind.

Kyle “Brickhouse” House vs Keith “Chunky But Funky” Bates 

HouseBatesI mostly picked Wilson the play Brickhouse because of their pig noses and the primal urge I have to see both of them get their shit rocked. I can’t explain why, with the former maybe it’s just the name “Rainn”. For Chiklis, there is only so many actors in Hollywood that resemble the human thumb henchman from ‘Spy Kids”.

Markyle “The Chicken Master/Jamaica” Myers vs Stephen “Chicano” Garcia

MyersGarcia Andre 3000 can straight up act. Ever see ‘Four Brothers‘? Guy killed it, I’m sure he can handle the intense training and method acting required to become the chicken master. Someone who could not do that for their required role, however, is Dana B. Unfortunately, I’m all out of options. There’s nobody else out there with the same dimples, scary eyes and general aura that screams “betrayal“.

 Wade “Dr. Long John” Berard vs Paul “Moneymaker” Moore

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The good news for casting Furlong is that I’m pretty sure he isn’t up to anything.  What better way to make a comeback than this specific fight in the RnR9 movie, where he can break away from his most famous role as a racist guy in ‘American History X’. As for John David Washington, he should probably get his dad (Denzel Washington) to go on Springer for a DNA test.

Damien “The Dragon” Clinard vs. Raymondo “In Yo Face” Ortiz

ClinardOrtizIf you are unfamiliar with Casey Frey, watch this. As far as Ortiz goes, I want to say that “In Yo Face” is an all-time terrible nickname. Sounds like a 3rd string XFL jersey. Also, bring some charisma my guy. You’re about to go in the ring and defend your branch’s honor!

Tanner “Space Boy” Ward vs. Richard “Fodder Gil” Fothergill

WardFoddergill I would not have picked Kevin Huerter if he did not quote tweet me a few days and refresh his face in my memory banks. That said, the resemblance is undeniable. As for Foster, he may actually be Fodder Gil. He would absolutely jump at the opportunity to make a movie about a uhhhh hamster-man hybrid(?) turned redneck amateur boxer.

Austin “The Hurricane” Watson vs. Chris “The Lion” Fairchild

AustinWatsonFairchild

That’s just Chumlee, I don’t know what else to tell you. As for Plemons, I know it is a bit of a stretch but hear me out. They both have the same underbite, small mouth and frightened eyes. Shave Plemmons head, have him put on some weight and paint on a lineup a la Carlos Boozer and BOOM. Academy award for best male performance is in the bag!

Brendan “White Lightning” Kelly vs. Wade “Nighty Night” Woodruff

KellyWoodruff

Brendan Kelly is intimidating, both sexually and physically (sometimes at the same time). Those same traits apply to Superman Cavill as well, plus we know he can grow a mustache to match whatever crazy shit Kelly brings to the arena this time. Just make sure that he doesn’t have any DC movies coming up before he accepts the role. Can Cavill do a backflip? I don’t quite know, but he is a king among men and I’m pretty sure he could beat the fuck out of anybody who showed up to RnR just like Kelly could. As for Nighty Night, there isn’t really much to go on here other than their relative resemblance. Except while Daniel Tosh was roasting Numa Numa kid, Woodruff was roasting Al-Qaeda fighters in Iraq.

Personalities 

Robbie

They may be twins of some sort. Everything down to the opposite-side hair parts signals that they are on some sort of fucked up, seperated-from-birth twin energy. If hired, we can even have Big Ev act as Wright’s personal Hodor so he feels at home on set.

Large

Large, I know you’re not reading this, but I’m sorry if this seems like I’m making you seem older than you are. I’m also sorry for comparing you to a guy with an Eastern European last name, which you may find equally insulting.

BigCat

One of my first big content moments as a PMT intern was discovering Danny Jones. There is no way I’m not casting him, regardless of how unfair it is to the other personalities.

Caleb

Caleb is a handsome guy who is always thinking. I think Hunnam reflects this sentiment perfectly, with the added benefit that they sort of look alike. “Did you know….that ‘King Arthur: Legend of the Sword’ sucked ass?”

Rone

No, the resemblance is not all there. However, I want a guy that can sing and Egerton has PIPES. He can take on any musical parts needed and I’m fairly sure he can also rap fairly well. Perhaps in this movie he challenges a fighter to a battle of wits (probably not because it would give any given RnR fighter an aneurysm).

Chaps

Chris Kaman isn’t up to much these days, so I’m sure he would be willing to take up the role as Barstools resident diarrhea man. However, I would not allow Kaman to portray any of Chap’s soldierly actions as he is a dual-German citizen which scares me as an ethnic Pole. Although, he could put the Nein in RnR 9.

Kate

I don’t know who this “Charlize” person is, but Kate saw me writing this blog and assured me that people confuse them all the time.

Spider

That’s right, I’m getting an old-school meme up in this bitch.

Pres

I’m just now realising that I mixed up the name riders here. Can you blame me, though? They’re literally the same exact photo.

Anyway, go buy RnR at the link below. It’s a fucking awesome and hilarious experience. For me, it’s almost like watching any given two TikTokers duke it out for my personal entertainment. In fact, if you dm me your receipt showing that you bought RnR after the publication of this blog, I’ll send you a blacklisted TikTok free of charge. DM them to my insta @sharonleftme and god help these wretched fighters on Friday.

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