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Dude Declares Beastwars With A Machete Through His Neighbor's Door, Promptly Gets Shot Multiple Times

Idaho – Twain Thomas, 54, from Potacello, Idaho, was threatening residents with the weapon in his building when he kicked down the door (left and right) of James Cvengros and his girlfriend Kaila Gearhart’s home. Mr Cvengros managed to capture the moment on a digital camera after he heard the commotion and decided to press record. He then shot Thomas after the pair had screamed at him, demanding that he leave.

Um, yeah. That’s disturbing. I’m not one to condone violence but all options are on the table if someone’s busting down your front door with a weapon designated for the jungle. And I don’t think Dwayne is going anywhere, pal. Those three rounds to the chest would subdue any man. But what’s the point of using the deadbolt when your door’s made of cardboard? Twain straight up Jack Torrence’d his way into the living room without breaking a sweat. That chain didn’t stand a chance.

And for those of you not wanting to see this poor bastard suffer and die on a Monday morning, tough tits. The Patriots are in their 200th Super Bowl, an already stout Nationals locked up Max Scherzer and my racist boss is making me work on MLK day. If I’m going to hell I’m taking everyone with me.

UPDATE: I guess he lived? And here I thought I was in line for a Pulitzer. Oh well.