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One Scoop Of Clout Please

Friday, January 4, 2019:

A fresh-faced high school senior named Justin sits in the passenger seat of his friend Giovanni’s bright orange Mazda. His heart races as he mentally prepares for what could very well be the biggest moment of his entire life. It’s a cold evening in January, but he’s sweating. Profusely. Even the condom in his left pocket is perspiring because it’s so anxious to escape. Like a young Reggie Bush finishing up his first college preseason, the Trojan is itching to finally get some playing time.

Even at maximum volume, XXXTentacion’s booming vocals struggle to drown out the sounds of Justin’s tell-tale heartbeat. It’s time for him to become a man. The night is still young like a freshman at UCF, but as Justin and Giovanni sit quietly in the dimly lit parking lot of a local strip mall, with no other cars in sight, they both know it’s either now or never…

And just like that — in two winks of a coal miner’s eye — the boys were tongue deep in each other’s juul-scented throats, on the brink of simultaneously losing their virginities. Just kidding. They were creeping through the doors of an empty Little Caesar’s together so Giovanni could film Justin nervously scurry behind the completely unattended counter to steal a Hot-N-Ready pizza, and then dart out of the fast food chain like he just captured the Babe Ruth ball from Mr. Mertle’s yard.


His virginity may have remained firmly intact that night, but Justin got his first taste of something much sweeter than a little sex…

I’m talking, of course, about the intoxicating internet phenomenon known as clout. Retweets. Likes. Replies…any type of internet attention that comes in bulk and gives off the illusion of fame, influence, relevance, or importance on social media. Whether it’s negative or positive, it’s like the first hit of a hard drug for some. And even if you’re completely devoid of humor, creativity, intelligence, or any semblance of talent, all you have to do is post a public video of yourself committing a crime for the world to see and you can obtain it.

“That’s how you get a free fucking pizza,” the little rascal proudly proclaims as he takes a single bite of a pre-made food item that costs a grand total of 5 U.S. dollars. While that odd maneuver might be less of a “crime” and more of a “cry for help,” over 10K people somehow seemed to have enjoyed it, giving Justin exactly what he so desperate desired. I honestly don’t know or understand it. It’s super fucking bizarre to me, and as many of you already know, this genre of “clout-chasing” posts recently escalated from shoplifting inexpensive items/harassing minimum wage employees to straight up contaminating public foods and beverages in an attempt to “prank” or trick others into unknowingly consuming your bacteria-infested saliva.

While it is undeniably fucking hilarious and awesome that people are getting arrested and sent to jail for this garbage, there are way more pests that are still getting away with it.


People like Ornery Rowengartner don’t seem to give a sprinkle of a shit about the potential legal consequences of posting these #IceCreamChallenge videos to the internet.

In fact, the brazen Beverly Hills bad boy not only refrained from deleting his incriminating tweet, but he’s proudly basking in all the attention he’s getting from it.

I don’t want to get too morbid, but some of you might have children, nieces, or nephews that are watching these videos and rewarding them with likes and retweets. Sit them down. Talk to them. Before it’s too late.