Video: Gronk Tells Drew Brees (and Captain Obvious) 'I'm Coming Back'

I’m really not trying to do a daily update on Gronk’s retirement status like it’s the stock market results, the weather forecast or the latest Jeffrey Epstein pedophilia report. I’ve got other things to think about. I’m not saying they’re more important things, because they’re not. It’s just that I’ve got a Netflix queue filled with weirdo paranormal documentaries that aren’t about to watch themselves. So I’d like a break from having to reset the Gronk UnRetirement Probability Meter every 10 minutes like your grandfather who won’t quit getting up to adjust the thermostat.

But when Gronk is caught on camera clearing telling Drew Brees “I’m coming back,” followed by the signature Gronk laugh, what choice do I have? Even allowing for the fact we’re joining the conversation in mid-sentence and don’t know the full context, what else could he mean? He’s coming back to the ESPYs next year? He’s coming back to the spread in the green room for more of those Chicken Caesar wraps? He’s coming back to LA to hang out with Fat Shirtless Toothless Tattooed Mullet Guy and the Long Neck Kid?

I can only take it to mean one thing. “I’m coming back hahaha” is pretty unambiguous when you’re in a private moment and don’t know the mic is picking up the conversation. Just as importantly, Drew Brees is in the inner circle. A fellow freedom fighter in the resistance against the Ginger Satan. A familiar face from a dozen or so joint practices between the Saints and Patriots. Brees is the kind of guy any Patriots veteran would feel comfortable confiding in. You don’t lie to him. And for sure, you don’t lie in front of Captain Obvious when he’s awkwardly third-wheeling your conversation like a guy at a party who doesn’t know anyone and is trying to fit in. You simply do not lie in that situation.

So to quantify this, when I last calibrated it, I had the Gronk UnRetirement Probability Meter at 69%, in honor the man himself. Today I’m moving that up to 75%. Stay tune for the next update which, at the rate we’re going, will be later this afternoon.