Enes Kanter Is A Lunatic Who Needs To Be Incarcerated

So Enes Kanter is training in Chicago for the upcoming NBA season because it’s a World Class city with World Class people. In the process he posted this video last night of his “cheat meal” day food in Chicago. As the official master of all things cheat days, hot dogs and food in general, I am obliged to give you my $0.02 on everything about it.

Talk about a spread:

Now Chicago people get fucking furious at those who put ketchup on hot dogs.  If you’ve ever been to Chicago, you know that.  Try asking for ketchup at Gene and Jude’s and they’ll pull out a 9MM and threaten you with your life.

Here’s a Chicago style hot dog for the unaware:

You’ll notice there’s a lot of shit on it.  Tomato and pickle slices, sport peppers, relish, onions, and mustard on a poppyseed bun with celery salt and mustard sprinkled on top.  ZERO ketchup.

My opinion on a Chicago hot dog?  I happen to enjoy them just like so, but can see if you wouldn’t.  There’s a LOT going on with it.  My biggest issue with Chicago hot dogs is that people are so goddamn afraid to admit they’d like some ketchup on ‘em that they just raise hell anytime a red Heinz bottle is in the near vicinity of a Vienna Beef frank.  Society has Chicagoans so afraid of ketchup that they just act like they don’t like it.  You can count me in as one of those people.

But I will SOAK a burger in ketchup.  Same with fries.  Same with other things I’m sure.  But I won’t put it on a hot dog out of fear of being chastised, though I do enjoy the condiment.  That’s me, WSD, being truthful to you, the internet commenter.

So do I hate Enes Kanter for putting ketchup on a hot dog?  No, not really.  He doesn’t know any better.  As I said, ketchup is a great condiment.

What offends me with this Enes Kanter cheat meal is this:

Who in the FUCK puts mayonnaise on anything, let alone GLOBS of it on anything, let alone globs of it on a pizza hot dog burger?  I got caught up in my own mayo hot dog a few months back in Arizona and it was easily one of the worst things to ever happen to me.  I’d rather be waterboarded than go through this again.

Just an awful experience. The hot dog bun was pre-coated in mayonnaise.  Obviously I sucked it up but wtf is wrong with people?  Mayo on a hot dog is a crime that should be punishable with prison time.  It’s psychotic behavior.  If there’s a murdering spree somewhere in Portland in the near future look no further than Enes Kanter.  It’s that guy.  He’s the one who did it.

Also… he sucks ass at doing a cheat meal.  Sushi mixed with burgers mixed with hot dogs mixed with frozen pizza?

I’ve never been so disappointed in my life.

But I’m here to help. Call it nature.  You wamt to know how to do a cheat meal?  Here’s the Official White Sox Dave 10 Step Process For Beginners:

Step 1: go out on a Saturday night

Step 2: get way too drunk and end up passing out on your couch with your socks and jeans on even though you totally could have banged that one girl you saw at the bar from a distance

Step 3: wake up, change into basketball shorts on Sunday

Step 4: Lay on the couch for a few hours while catching up on all the stupid texts/tweets you sent on Saturday night

Step 5: Order an 18″ pizza the second 11am hits

Step 6: Place said 18″ pizza in front of you on the coffee table

Step 7: eat as much of the 18″ pizza as you can fit into your stomach

Step 8: get 1/3 to 1/2 way done with the 18″ pizza

Step 9: Instantly become miserably full and lay around on the couch for the next 3-4 hours while watching sports and scrolling through Twitter

Step 10: finish the rest of the pizza by dinner time

That’s seriously all you have to do Enes, you big bananahead.  You actually had to grill and move around and prepare things and shit.  Why would you stand and move when you can lay down?  It’s wildly inefficient.  Just let your local pizza place do the work for you while you lounge.

There’s NOTHING better than lounging.