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An Open Letter To The Chicago Cubs

Screen Shot 2019-07-04 at 9.52.49 AMThe Cubs are playing like they need some serious bulletin board material in the clubhouse and since I don’t have credentials to lose I might as well be the asshole to give it to them.

God knows we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but God also knows this shit is unacceptable. The club is flat, old, slow, stupid, weak and uninspiring.

That said I’m gonna need everyone on the 2019 Cubs – management, players, executives, owners, ballboys, vendors and everybody else getting a w-2… I’m gonna need you guys to huddle up and take a knee.

That’s it.

Circle up.

Take a knee.

You too Joe this aint your fucking meeting. Grab some floor and listen up.

Alright.

Is that everybody?

Good.

Now, before I get started, where’s Addison?

*pans room*

*sees hand faintly raise*

Alright I need you to stand up, clean out your locker and get THE FUCK out of this clubhouse. I am not joking. I am not laughing. I am not playing any more games. Your time has come. There is no redemption story. Everyone hates your guts and I’m sick and fucking tired of looking at you. Pack it up.

I’ll wait.

*counts down from 5 out loud*

ALRIGHT.

The reason we’re gathered here today is to get over the fact that you guys are playing like a bunch of pussies. Every time I turn around it’s another goddamn excuse. The schedule is too long. The off days aren’t balanced. You’re unlucky and the game is just sooooooooo random.

Oh boo-hoo you big cunts.

I was in the grocery store the other day picking up a loaf of bread for my dead grandmother and I saw a guy with one arm stocking shelves, busting his dick off, wearing a Cubs sleeve over his stubby nub. It looked like an under armour thermal, probably expensive as all hell. Probably purchased on site at Wrigley while he was dumping a week’s worth of pay to sit in the 400’s. Probably a diehard Cubs fan counting down the literal SECONDS in which he can go home and fire up the pre-game and keep score with one arm. Take a piss with one arm. Open his Miller Lites with one arm. And cheer for you big fucking cunts with one goddamn arm.

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And right now I’ll take 25 one armed shelf boys over almost every single one of you pussies because at least he gives a fuck and that’s really what this comes down to.

Javy and Willson.

Stand up.

*immediately stand*

You guys are legit. If the rest of this team cared half as much as you, we wouldn’t be having this meeting. You can leave.

We Want To Stay Coach Carl. 

Which is why you’re my kinda players. Take a knee.

Next up OUTFIELDERS.

I honestly didn’t even notice you guys in the room. Imagine that – no one noticing you. Hm.

Just some quick notes for you guys:

Schwarber you could hit 40 jacks and still be less valuable than Ben Zobrist. Almora it’s a shame society doesn’t celebrate AAAA outfielders more because you’d hold elected office in the offseason. And Heyward – I know you’ve been really good this year but don’t forget you’re actually the worst free agent signing in the history of Major League Baseball.

Carl Pavano sleeps at night because of you. That’s how much you suck.

Next up Victor Caratini you look like the predator when he takes his helmet off. Stop scaring all the babes away while Daniel Descalso you actually just got demoted to Grounds Crew. Get to the field on Saturday at 6am. I know the game’s at Comiskey which is why I got bad news. You’ve been traded to the White Sox for a box of condoms to drag the infield inbetween the 4th and 6th innings. You get to drive the Chevy Silverado onto the outfield grass during the 3rd inning tho so stop crying like a little bitch. It’s decent work for a guy who should be collecting trash along the Stevenson.

Pitchers.

Can you guys please do some goddamn steroids? The New Trier JV team has more velocity in their starting rotation and that’s coming from a guy who loves a good changeup. I’m not saying you need to be Sandy Fucking Koufax tomorrow but would it kill one of you to run it up in the mid 90’s one time once? Or do we honestly think 88 is going to beat the Los Angeles Dodgers?

And Quintana – I’m sorry but every time I look at your expressionless face I can’t help but wonder how much better Eloy will turn out then every one of our outfielders, and how comparatively inconsequential your time will be on the Cubs. Nevermind Dylan Cease being a better pitcher than you from now until the end of your contract. You suck and you weren’t worth it.

Neither was the roughly 10 billion dollars Yu Darvish will get from now until Western Democracy collapses. I’ve never seen a softer pile of shit work so hard to be average whereas with Ian Happ I’ve never seen a harder piece of shit take such a soft landing in his career. Now we’re really getting into the pussies. Someone tell Brandon Morrow we missed him today.

Rizzo – can I trust you to get that message to him or are you still pouting about the contract NO GENERAL MANAGER IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD RENEGOTIATE?

Probably still pouting.

Good.

Go sit next to Kris then. You guys can both hold hands and bitch about how It’s Just A Business.

And while you guys trade ego-strokes, don’t forget to blame as much as you can on everyone else. It’s not your fucking team. You guys aren’t the best players. You guys aren’t on track to get statues and be Legends so don’t bother acting like it for one fucking second in the clubhouse when this team needs you guys more than ever.

Now if you guys think I’m being mean it’s because I am. And if you think that’s unfair, you can pound sand.

What’s unfair is being forced to watch you guys take the field under the false premise that you’re a championship caliber club. You may have the “pieces” and you may have the experience, but Christ Almighty are you guys miles behind the top of This League when it comes to looking like a goddamn baseball team.

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Whose fault could that be?

Lucky for you Joe, you got a game today.

My recommendation is you go out and win it, and you start managing the baseball team the way you know how to manage them. Stop waiting for Theo Epstein’s team of nerds and boners and experts that signed Yu Darvish, Brandon Morrow, Tyler Chatwood, Jason Heyward, Daniel Descalso while trading Gleyber Torres, Eloy Jimenez, Dylan Cease and Tommy La Stella while keeping Kyle Schwarber, Ian Happ and Albert Almora… stop waiting for those guys to figure it out for you.

Instead, trust the gut that’s going to put you in Cooperstown and start managing this fucking team of men into success. By my count you got about a week left at the current pace.

As for Theo – stop telling everyone this team is so good. You’re either wrong or lying and I don’t care for either. Not from the #2 guy in the building.