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Let's Examine The "Presents" My Grandmother Wrapped And Gave To Me For Christmas

Completely forgot about this until I had to venture back to the homeland and pick up everything from Christmas. It’s a good thing I got there in the nick of time, too. If I returned for these items past 2088 they might have been expired.

A little backstory: My grandmother enjoys wrapping EVERYTHING. If you think it’s exciting tearing off wrapping paper to get to a PS4 or the newest IPad then I pity you’ve never had the chance to rip through 8 layers to get to a stick of Old Spice. But what made it unique was what you see is all I got: Groceries. Wrapped items of food, utensils and toiletries. I’m thankful for anything but it’s time to break down these coupon-ed Giant purchases.

The “Really?”:

Pasta/Sauce – Borderline blasphemous for my Italian grandmother to gift generic pasta and store bought sauce. The Nanny I knew would say give her homemade linguine and gravy from scratch or give her death. Senility is one thing, amateur hour is another. At least drop by the old Farmer’s Market Stand by Vera Pasta where the sauce flows like wine and delicious Penne instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano.

Generic, store brand mayonnaise? Don’t worry, Nanny, I don’t think that much of me, either.


The “I’m Genuinely Confused Why”:
Canned Pineapple Juice. Thanks?

Toothpaste. Let’s pull a Creed and/or and Aunt Bethany and just wrap up crap we’ve found around the house.

The “Winners” (and yes it’s in quotes because I don’t think anyone won in the end):
Peanuts. Every man likes a good peanut or will suffocate from an allergy trying to enjoy one.

Canned Tuna/Soup – Right up the alley. My sodium levels are already off the charts that I sweat rocks of salt, what’s another 10 lunches right out of the can?

Paper Plates/Napkins. Dishes are for the birds and if you disagree you’re a bold faced liar. Such an underrated gift it hurts.

Scratch Off’s – YES, YES and YES. Saved the entire package. If those recycled PA Lottery commercials that features the hot Asian chick with golden pipes and pure degenerative behavior have taught me anything it’s that these make great holiday gifts.
And that’s that. Until next year, assuming both of us make it that far. Even money says no, and I’m not talking about Nanny. That mayo might in fact kill me.