Welcome back to my imaginary acting career. There have been five previous movies released. The first three were released in Part 1. Then “On Tour” dropped a few weeks later, and “Moving In” came a few weeks after that.
It’s been a few months since the latest release. The reason is basically that it’s hard to write detailed fake movies. I have to be locked into the creative writing zone, and this movie proved to be a struggle to get through, but I hit my stride with it this week and it’s ready for release.
So without further ado, here is the third film in “Phase Two: The Breakout” ….
Title: Turf War
Poster designed by Quigs
IMDB Rating: 7.1
Rotten Tomatoes: 68%
Domestic Box Office: $144 Million
Stars: Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Adam Devine, Tom Scibelli
Plot: Bill (Will Ferrell) and Mike (Vince Vaughn) are just your average middle-aged, suburban guys. Together they own and operate a bar called “O’Reilly’s.” Neither have the last name O’Reilly, but they just thought it sounded like a good bar name. They are childhood friends who decided to open a bar together after college. They struggled at first, but eventually found their footing. The setting of the film is a fictional place in Ohio. It’s a smaller to average-sized Midwestern city. Think Pawnee, Indiana from Parks & Rec.
O’Reilly’s is known for its relaxed, casual atmosphere. It’s your friendly neighborhood bar where everyone knows your name and comes to watch the big game. It gets a lot of middle-aged men, but will also attract a younger audience on weekend nights due to its great location and a lack of strong competitors. You can expect to hear a lot of “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.
Well, competition has just come to town with the opening of “Lust”, which is a hip, new nightclub looking to steal some of O’Reilly’s younger crowd. It’s run by two eccentric, young guys with some sort of Eastern European background. I play a character named Chaz with white frosted tips who wears tight clothing and tons of jewelry. My partner Vlad (Adam Devine) is a fellow eccentric Eastern European who strictly wears all white clothing. We always greet people with a “Ciao Baby” and double cheek kiss. This does not make much sense considering that’s Italian, and we are not. We both have heavy, over-the-top Eastern European accents. These ridiculous and inconsistent accents from Devine and I will deliver many laughs throughout the film, and also make for a great blooper reel during the credits!
Bill and Mike notice Lust when it’s under construction, directly across the street from O’Reilly’s. They became nervous that it’ll steal business. Bill and Mike walk over to the place as it’s being renovated to introduce themselves to Vlad and Chaz. Here is a snippet of how that interaction would go.
*Bill and Mike cross the street and walk into our bar*
Chaz: “Oh heyy boys. Are zou here for za plumbing or zomething?” (A staple of our Eastern European accents is throwing random “z”s in where they definitely don’t belong)
Bill: “No, actually. We own the bar O’Reilly’s across the street. I’m Bill. This is Mike. We’ve been open for 33 years! We just wanted to come by and introduce ourselves now that we’ll be business neighbors.”
Vlad: “Oh zes. I was just zelling Chaz that you guys looked like a cute zittle dive bar for zold folks.”
Mike: “Well, we’re more than that. We get a good college crowd too and have been the premiere spot in this area for a long time now. People always have a good time at O’Reilly’s. That’s our unofficial catchphrase actually – “Come to O’Reilly’s for a good time guaranteed!”
Vlad and Chaz shoot each other confused looks and chuckle at that god awful slogan.
Chaz: “Zat is zo adorable. You guys are just za cutest!”
They ask us where we’re from and we simultaneously say “Estonia!” but when they ask what city, we somewhat nervously fumble and say “Oh zust a small town called Kuzkabaski, zou guys wouldn’t know zit.”
This interaction goes on for a bit longer, as it becomes clear that the pairs are polar opposites and won’t exactly be seeing eye-to-eye. It results in an awkward staring contest, standoff that goes on for an uncomfortably long period of time. It’s one of those things that starts off funny for the audience, then lasts a little too long where it becomes not funny anymore, but then keeps lasting so long that it eventually goes back to being funny. Bill and Mike eventually leave blown away by how douchey we are, while also questioning our sexuality.
The grand opening for Lust is here. People are lined up down the streets trying to get in as the blue lights flash outside on the all white building. Media is there to cover the event as well. Vlad and Chaz are dressed in all white suits with plenty of gold jewelry. We’re also wearing sunglasses despite it being an indoor, nighttime event. Bill and Mike watch with jealousy from across the street, as O’Reilly’s is way more empty than it usually is on a Saturday night. Everyone has flocked to Lust, and the opening night is a smashing success with plenty of techno music and flashing lights.
Lust gets a ton of local media coverage the next day. All the reviews say the opening was a massive success. Bill and Mike angrily read the local paper as they sip their morning coffee. Pictures of Vlad and Chaz plastered all over the place. They turn on the TV as a distraction. Well, the local news is on showing an interview with us. We are popping champagne and recapping the big night. Vlad says, “It’s just zo great for za people in this town to zinally have a place to party and ztuff. We felt zat the nightlife was just zeally lacking here.” This infuriates Bill and Mike, who now vow to bring down Lust.
A war then ensues between O’Reilly’s and Lust. Bill and Mike sneak into Lust one random Wednesday night when it’s closed and try to mess with the place. They originally wanted to pour out a bunch of alcohol and mess with the music equipment, but their conscious takes over as they realize that’s too much. So ultimately they decide to just do minor stuff like egging the floor, putting shaving cream on random bottles, and leaving toilet paper dangling on chairs. All just really minor inconveniences that can be easily cleaned up in no more than 20 minutes. Overall, it’s a funny scene watching these suburban dads wrestle with their conscious and trying to decide what’s “too far.”
Vlad and Chaz get into Lust the next day and see what’s happened. We’re annoyed, but it doesn’t take long to clean up the “mess.” Bill and Mike become our top suspects. We walk across the street to feel them out and see if they are acting at all suspicious with their behavior. They do seem to be acting off, and we want revenge. O’Reilly’s does a ton of business on Sundays for Browns games. We usually don’t do anything on Sundays but want to steal business away on their biggest day.
We decide to throw a huge “Dage” for the upcoming Browns game. It’s extremely popular, and O’Reilly’s is once again left nearly empty, this time on their biggest day of the week. They walk outside and look across the street at Lust. From across the street, Vlad and Chaz see them and let out a condescending wave with a “zeeeyyyyy boyzz.” Enough is Enough. Bill mutters, “We’re gonna bring this fucking place down.”
Bill and Mike are becoming more suspicious of our “Eastern European” heritage. They find it suspicious that our last names are never mentioned in articles. They also think back to our first interaction where we are uncomfortable talking about the town in Estonia that we were from. They decide to do some research on “Kuzkabaski” and can’t find anything.
Suddenly, an idea strikes Mike. His sister Patricia’s husband Carl (Andy Daly) works for the city. He has access to a bunch of files about who owns/leases different buildings. The unfortunate thing is that Carl is the classic overeager brother-in-law who always wants to hang out with Mike. Mike was Carl’s best man at the wedding despite them only knowing each through Patricia. Mike was like “I barely even know the guy, and now I’m his BEST MAN!?” He reluctantly agreed because he knew it would make his sister happy. His best man speech was painfully awkward. It was extremely generic and brief, but it somehow brought tears to Carl’s eyes. This wedding was 9 years ago and things really haven’t changed. Carl always wants to hang out and Mike has to come up with excuses. “All these dentist appointments Mike, I’m worried about you! You might have the worst teeth this side of the Mississippi!” Obviously, there’s no dentist appointments. Mike hasn’t been to a doctor in years (he’s way too manly), but he doesn’t want to hurt Carl’s feelings. Carl, naively, believes every excuse he gets. He really just wants to see the best in people.
Sometimes Mike will reluctantly invite Carl over to watch a big game, but Carl just isn’t a sports guy. He calls uniforms “outfits” and refers to runs in baseball as “points.” He means well, but he grew up without a strong father figure in his life and just never took to sports. He was always more of an avid reader. Anyway, none of that will really be shown in the film, but it’s important character backstory.
Mike drops by Carl’s office one day saying he wants to grab lunch. Carl is unbelievably excited and can’t believe it. Mike says that before going to lunch, he wants to get the name of the people who own Lust nightclub. Carl is hesitant to give away that information, but Mike lies and says he wants to get them a surprise gift and needs to get their information. Carl, always looking for the best in people, believes it. He gives Mike the file. Lust is owned by Larry Goldwire and Barry Lipman. Mike mutters, “Those fuckers. I knew it!” Mike start to rush out of the office. Carl yells, “But what about lunch?!” As he’s running away, Mike shouts back “Sorry forgot I had a dentist appointment!” A dejected Carl mumbles to himself, “Man, he’s really gotta brush better.”
Back at the bar, Mike and Bill are doing research on Barry Lipman and Larry Goldwire. After some intense Google researching, they pull up an article from a student newspaper at the University of Central Florida. It’s highlighting a new student run bar near campus. The owners? Barry Lipman and Larry Goldwire, aka Vlad and Chaz. It appears that we’re fakes after all. After some more research, they see that the bar shut down due to a lack of business in mere months.
Bill and Mike continue to do research and ultimately find more bars that we’ve opened and then had to close. They find at least a half dozen. Their anger at us starts to turn to sympathy. They realize the bar business is tough. Bill and Mike think back to their early days running O’Reilly’s and remember their struggles. They decide to walk over to Lust and confront us.
They tell us that they’re onto us and know we’re not actual Eastern Europeans. They explain their proof. We give up the charade. It’s actually a relief to be able to be ourselves and not have to pretend anymore. We ask them if they’re going to go public and spill our secret. They say they won’t and that it’s up to us. But they suggest that going public and telling our real story would be best, and that’s what we decide to do.
We tell the public how we’re just two average American dudes who have tried and failed in the bar business, so wanted to do something different and became fake Eastern Europeans. People are surprised but ultimately don’t really care because it’s a fun nightclub. We also agree to be more amicable with Bill and Mike and help each other out. We realize that we can be more of a nightclub spot, while they can be more of the fun bar spot. We even have cross-promotion nights where people can pregame at O’Reilly’s Saturday night for a big game and then cross the street to head to Lust nightclub. It’s a happy and satisfying ending.
Reviews: “Turf War” is met with mostly positive reviews. It won’t be considered a classic comedy to be remembered for years to come, but it’s a fun movie that will get some laughs. Devine and I are particularly praised for our portrayals of these fake Eastern Europeans. Some call this a “passing of the torch” in the comedy world. As the Ferrells and Vaughs of the world begin to get older and fade out, there’s an opening for the Devines and Scibellis to step into the spotlight and become even bigger stars.
What’s YOUR take on the movie? Leave your feedback in the comments or on Twitter.