Holy moly. This is terrifying. If any aspiring troublemakers in the world need any more proof that the U.S. military is made up of merciless killing machines who will eat their own guts and ask for seconds and stop at nothing to put our enemies in an early grave, I present you with this. “Baby Shark” turned into a marching cadence.
If somehow this song has eluded you, congratulations. I’ve had the pleasure of only hearing this unstoppable earworm once or twice. But my friends who have young kids have been subjected to it morning, noon and night for months. More than I heard the Spongebob theme back in the mid-2000s when my boys were Nickelodeon age.
Bear in mind this came out in 2016, exploded in the U.S. not long ago and is fast approaching 3 billion views. That is not a typo. Three. Billion. Views. And may God have mercy on the ears and brains of anyone who has this as part of their lifestyle, on constant repeat:
So for the world’s most deadly fighting force to turn this into a marching cadence is as brilliant as it is terrifying. It’s Weaponized Kids Music. An SMD: A Song of Mass Destruction. The most effective use of a song for kids by one of our branches of the service since these Marines did “Let It Go”:
Or Joker’s platoon taking the Mickey Mouse theme into battle in “Full Metal Jacket”:
And just hearing “Baby Shark” used this way reminds me of a few years ago when there was still a Naval Air Station in my ancestral homeland of South Weymouth, MA. I was driving around one day while they had and Air Show going on. And you know how sometimes you feel a noise before your hear it? It penetrates you and your internal organs pick it up before your ears do? That happened to me. And over my head passed two slow moving, low flying A-10 Warthog tank killer planes. They were petrifying. And they were on my side. I was just an American heading to the Home Depot on a Saturday and I was ready to throw down my coffee cup, drop to my knees and surrender. I remember thinking how utterly helpless it would feel to be some foreign combatant, dug into a position somewhere knowing they were coming for me. I’d be praying for a quick death.
And “Baby Shark” is ten times worse. Here’s hoping these soldiers never get to use it in combat because I for one am all done with spilling their blood to help people who despise us anyway. But if they do have to go somewhere and fight, this song will be the first weapon they fire.