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Photo Gallery: Lowest Rated New York City Beach - Orchard Beach In The Bronx

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GothamistYesterday the Natural Resources Defense Council released a report card for New York City beaches, handing out zero gold stars, and declaring the dirtiest beaches of all to be in the Bronx, with 15% of water samples violating health standards. Words like sewage, stomach flu, and hepatitis were tossed around, and yet people still flock there on hot summer days. So in that spirit, we’re going to LA LA LA ignore all of that, and take a look at a crowded Orchard Beach, which used to be referred to as the Bronx Riviera, and has more recently been dubbed “Horse Shit Beach” by locals. Photographer Stephane Missier captured some spectacular photos from one of our lowest graded beaches last year, reporting back that “Bronx inhabitants choose Orchard Beach due to its relatively convenient location. It’s the quickest way for them to access the sea, sand and sun.”

Now you’re in New Yorrrrrrkkkkk, Concrete jungle where beaches are filled with hypodermic needles and tuberculosis and gang memberrrssss! There’s nothing you can’t doooo!

I grew up on City Island right around the corner from Orchard beach. So as soon as I saw the headline about “NYC’s Dirtiest Beaches” I didn’t even need to read the article. Anybody who’s ever been to Orchard Beach can automatically tell you its the most disgusting place on earth. Its not the most disgusting beach in NYC. Its the most disgusting location on the planet earth. Its worse than Coney Island, its worse than that topless beach in Queens, and its worse than the slums of India.

Its like some Puerto Rican god opened up a massive fire hydrant in the sky and where it filled up we were left with Orchard Beach. Its just filled with Mexicans swimming in jeans and black folks swimming with their shirts on. White trash from all over the Bronx pregnant with their little bastards running around. Hypodermic needles outnumber humans 2 to 1 and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a breeding ground for some sort of superstrand of Hepatitis. Hepatitis Z or something.