Top 5 Things I Want To Incorporate Into Barstool Sports That I Learned From the Conclave

#1. Secrecy

I love the fact that nobody knows what the fuck happens in the Conclave. Do they have TVs, internet, telephones etc? What do they do to pass the time? Do they dress in their robes 24/7? Where do they sleep? Is it bunk beds? Do they bust balls about the kids they diddled? Is Sandusky living in a corner suite? Who cooks them food? What goes on? So many questions. Got to have secrecy. Need to have it.

#2 Bells Ringing

Absolute no brainer. Anytime anything good happens at Barstool we should have bells ringing. I’d go as far as to say everytime I publish a blog bells should ring. Kind of re-affirm my status at the Pope of Barstool.

#3 Presentation of New Writers.

This was pure class all the way. The balcony overlooking the piazza. The red curtain. Pure class. From now on whenever we hire a new writer this is how I’m going to announce them to the world. I’m talking Simba style in the Lion King. It’s like Neil didn’t even have a chance after he posted that first picture of himself in the woods looking like he had chemo. My fault.

#4 Barstool Band

I can’t believe we don’t already have this. The pope has his own marching band. Instant credibility anywhere you go. Like hey is there a parade today? Nope it’s just Pres walking to get an ice cream at Ice Creamsmith. Boom done.

#5 Barstool Swiss Guard

Again this is how you know you’re big time. When you have your own security detail. And I’m not talking like big black guys that protect celebrities either. I’m talking I want the Swiss Guard. All dolled up with their swords and shit. Totally useless against anybody carrying a gun, but I don’t care. I consider the Pope a mogul and all moguls need fancy security details.