Black Market "Cronuts" Being Scalped For Thousands Of Dollars, People Sleeping Outside Bakeries To Get A Taste

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Today – Residents of New York City are famous for getting everything delivered to them—groceries, dry cleaning, Thai takeout at 2 a.m. And now a new delivery service is cashing in on the latest food craze by bringing the trendy Cronut—the hybrid croissant-doughnut —to people’s doors, sparing them the wait in line, which forms as early as 5 a.m. outside the Dominique Ansel Bakery in SoHo. The third-party service, Premium Cronut Delivery, which is not affiliated with the bakery, charges a whopping $100 for delivering a single Cronut, $200 for two, or $3,000 for 10 of the pastries. At the bakery, Cronuts sell for $5 each. It accepts only five deliveries per weekday, probably because bakery owner Dominique Ansel just lowered the sale limit to two per customer in an effort to ward off schemes just like this one. “Waiting in line for two Cronuts isn’t a very profitable business,” Ansel told Premium Cronut Delivery did not answer requests for comment. Ansel, who has already personally thrown scalpers out of line, had just heard about the new delivery service when we reached out to him. “It’s funny because I actually don’t have much time to stay updated on all this, but a lot of customers will actively come and tell me about scalpers or trademark violators,” he said. “I’ve received newspaper cut outs, e-mails, and even a note in the mail that was signed ‘your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.’ I’m really flattered by their care, and I know it’s coming from somewhere very sweet.”

I haven’t weighed in on Cronuts yet. Primarily because I’m loyal to donuts and I think a croissant-donut hybrid is an unholy alliance that only trendy hipsters would go crazy over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they are pretty delicious. Its a half croissant, half donut rolled in sugar, filled with creme, and glazed on top. Can’t really go wrong with that. But these assholes sleeping outside the bakery or waiting on line for hours or fucking scalping them off the black market have gotta be the biggest dickheads in the world. I mean look at these numbers:

Bakery sells them for $5 a pop. Delivery scalpers charge $100 for 1, $200 for 2, and THREE THOUSAND for 10?? Where the fuck do you come up with those numbers? I’m pretty much the undisputed donut glutton in this world and if I ever caught anybody paying 300 dollars a pastry I’d have to blow my brains out and leave this earth. Get a whole box of Entenmann’s for $4.29 you assholes. Fuck your poofy, flaky croissant. Cronuts are for gays and French people, and I’m just a good old fashioned fat, straight American.