Now Millennials are Growing Horns Our of Their Skulls


SourceMobile technology has transformed the way we live — how we read, work, communicate, shop and date.

But we already know this.

What we have not yet grasped is the way the tiny machines in front of us are remolding our skeletons, possibly altering not just the behaviors we exhibit but the bodies we inhabit.

New research in biomechanics suggests that young people are developing hornlike spikes at the back of their skulls — bone spurs caused by the forward tilt of the head, which shifts weight from the spine to the muscles at the back of the head, causing bone growth in the connecting tendons and ligaments. The weight transfer that causes the buildup can be compared to the way the skin thickens into a callus as a response to pressure or abrasion.

The result is a hook or hornlike feature jutting out from the skull, just above the neck.

Great going, Millennials. Your transformation into demons is almost complete.

Here I’ve been, defending you from pretty much everybody in my age group who call you a bunch of lazy, useless, sexless, slack jawed little zombies, hypnotized by your phones and incapable of functioning in the real, 3-dimensional world. I’ve been defending you, not because it’s not an accurate description, but because I think the same thing has always been true of everyone under the age of about 23, throughout human history. It certainly was in my case. And all I had was cable TV to make me into a self-absorbed carbon blob. If I had the internet on a device in my pocket, I’d have never had face-to-face interaction with another human being.

But what do I get for all that sticking up for you? You’re growing horns now. They said you were Satan and now you’re becoming Satan. I do and do and do for you kids – without asking anything for myself – and this is the thanks I get. Armageddon. The End Times. We’re going to be swallowed up by the Beast while all you freakish, horned bastards are taking selfies. The Almighty will rain hellfire down upon us while you add it to your Facebook Story. A Fifth Horseman will some riding in alongside Famine, War, Conquest and Death, and his name will be SnapChat Filter. The final chapter of the Book of Revelations will be written in emoji.

I don’t really mind the world ending thanks to a generation of deformed, demonic hell beasts evolving from humans. In fact we should’ve seen this coming a long way off. I’m just disappointed it’s not because of our lust, greed, gluttony or envy, it’s just because you sons of bitches couldn’t put your phones away. What a lame way to go.