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Burglar On Shrooms Rips His Own Dick Off

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YPSILANTI, Mich. (WWJ) – An Ohio man remains hospitalized after injuring himself in a drug-fueled craze.Washtenaw County Sheriff’s deputies responded to a burglar alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School late one night last week and found the 41-year-old man naked, screaming and bleeding from his groin. The man had ripped off parts of his own genitals and had lost enough blood to make it a life threatening situation. The man, along with the parts he tore off were transferred to an area hospital. The man later told police that he had taken mushrooms while visiting friends at a house nearby.

Worst burglar of all time. Not only are you breaking into a school, but instead of actually stealing anything you just ripped your genitals apart and sat there screaming while you bled out. Lets just say I don’t think Danny Ocean is calling you for his next heist.

But don’t worry, my man. I know right now you’re probably in the hospital coming out of your hallucination and you realize not only have you been arrested, but you’ve also torn your own dick off. And thats probably a frightening feeling. But the reality is, this may be the best thing thats ever happened to you. Just ask John Wayne Bobbitt. Granted he was attacked by a psychopathic woman and a lot of his post-dick severing life had to do with the fact that he was a victim. And you’re just an asshole who clawed his own ballsack to shreds while high on shrooms. But nonetheless you may go on to a prosperous life banging dozens of broads and starring as triple threat singer/dancer/actor.

Or you might just do a quick bid in jail and live your life with a mangled patch of flesh where your dick should be. Its a toss up.