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Man Pulled Over For DUI, Was Actually Just Eating A Cheesecake While Driving

I need a follow up to this tweet. Because as it reads I assume they let him go. Which they absolutely should not have. Listen I’m a fat piece of shit, everyone knows that about me. I’ve eaten many a meal behind the wheel of an automobile in my life. But I’ve never eaten one so wildly that other automobilists on the road confused me for being intoxicated. That alone is enough reason to lock up this man. Secondly there weren’t nearly enough details fleshed out of this story. Was it a single piece of cheesecake he was eating like a slice of pizza? It couldn’t have been, due to the fact that they went out of their way to say that he was a slob and it was all over him. A single piece of cheesecake can absolutely produce some crumbs but not enough to make it into the police report. Which means this man had to have recently acquired an entire cheesecake only to open it mid-drive and begin shoveling fistfuls into his face hole.

Which, in and of itself, should be a crime. A crime against cheesecake. It is far to delicious to be treated in such a heinous way. Grow up and have some couth, wait til you’re home and use the proper utensils, we live in a goddamn society. If the restaurant or place of business does not have a window in which you can drive up and buy your food you cannot be eating it behind the wheel. You just can’t. Cakes, pies, cereal, anything that really requires a fork or knife, you gotta wait til you’re home or at the very least at a red light. Final verdict: suspend his license and lock him up in the brig.