HappyPlaytime, The New iPhone App That Teaches Broads To Masturbate

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Jezebel – App designer Tina Gong has created such an app, aimed mainly at further dissipating the cultural stigma associated with masturbation in general, and with female masturbation in particular. Sure, the Internet loves to talk about the sundry ways in which men tug on their penises like velociraptors trying to figure out doorknobs, but not enough people talk openly about female masturbation. At least, that’s according to a little infographic from Happy Playtime, which shows that 46.6 percent of women masturbate less than once a month. (Happy Playtime’s gleeful mascot also reports that women in longer relationships tend to masturbate less.) The app, Gong explained recently, is just a fun way for people to learn techniques and facts about getting off. Masturbating becomes easier to talk about when you use cartoons, and though we should all probably be a little more grown-up when we talk about the depressingly ordinary functions the physical prisons we call “bodies” carry out on a daily basis, we need to face the reality that masturbating is funny. Cartoonishly funny.

Fuckin broads. Do you even masturbate, bro? Now I’ll fully admit I need all the help I can get. Apps, maps. User instructions. Performance Enhancing Drugs. Inanimate tools. If I’m gonna get a chick off, I need all the supplemental help I can get.

But chicks should just fucking know how to work their clits naturally right? That should just be a given. I don’t remember ever learning how to jerk off. I just literally beat my dick until it threw up. Just like a trial and error sort of process until I was like “Ohhhh. Now I get it. Thats what all the fuss is about.” But basically my hands kinda just knew what to do. One hand holds my mom’s Victoria Secret catalog, the other hand just went on autopilot. I guess thats just the difference between guys and girls though. Chicks are so incapable of basically everything they need a goddam smartphone to tell them it feels good to rub your clit.