My Top 10 Childhood Girl Crushes From '90s Kids Shows

First and foremost, save your stupid, unsolicited opinions for something else, because this is MY personal list. Also, keep in mind that I was never over the age of 6 in the 1990s, so my taste in women during that decade was slightly different than it is now.

10. Loonette the Clown (The Big Comfy Couch)

Honestly, I’ve never really been the type to be physically attracted to clowns or clown adjacents, but Loonette was a fucking full-fledged sex minx. Her face may have been “ehh” compared to some of her children television counterparts, but her flexibility was immaculate, and she had every real ‘90s kid spread-eagle on their living room floor pretending to be an analog clock. A true pioneer for female clowns trying to make it big in life, Loonette clocks in at number 10.

9. Sabrina (Sabrina, the Teenage Witch)

Witchcraft was sketchy and intimidating to most preschoolers in the ‘90s, but I wasn’t a little bitch so it was a gigantic turn on to me. Sabrina might have constantly wreaked havoc on everyone around her, but she also constantly solidified my prepubescent dick, which was a new and exciting treat for me at the time. (Her Aunt Zelda was also a fox)

8. Regina “Reggie” Rocket (Rocket Power)

I’m not 100% sure that Reggie was attracted to the male gender, but my childhood crush on her was indisputable. Most ‘90s kids ignorantly stereotyped or made assumptions about her because she had purple dreadlocks and was nicknamed after a low-grade strain of marijuana, but in reality, Regina Rocket was kind-hearted, intelligent, and freakishly athletic.

7. Olga Pataki (Hey Arnold)

Helga Pataki’s older, less pyschotic, and much hotter sister, Olga comes in at number 7 on the list. Olga was a whiny and obnoxious perfectionist but she gave off “sexy school girl” vibes that were TOO irresistible. Most of my kindergarten friends wrote her off because she was a “prude c—” but I wasn’t a simple-minded pig so that didn’t stop me from crushing on her. Despite being a selfish brat with 8 total fingers, Olga Pataki found a way to sneak onto my Top 10 list.

6. Linda Ellerbee (Nick News with Linda Ellerbee)

Sadly, when this gorgeous face popped up on the TV screen it was a major disappointment for most ’90s kids…….but not me. She may have destroyed the “good cartoon vibes” for the majority of children, but I loved watching this fine piece of ass deliver the news. The way she got down and dirty and asked the hard-hitting questions in her news segments was wildly sexy to me.

5. Dina Alexander (Salute Your Shorts)

Every little boy in the ‘90s would agree that Dina was not only the baddest bitch at Camp Anawanna, but she was also one of the top young thots in all of ‘90s television.

4. Deborah Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys)

Debbie Thornberry was BAD. Her attitude was fierce and she had the confidence and swagger to back it up. She also pulled off the crop top/plaid shirt combo better than anyone in the game. She couldn’t communicate with animals like her sister, but she also wasn’t a hideous ginger with repulsive horse teeth and braces, so who gives a shit?

3. Summer Sanders (Figure It Out)

Every true ‘90s kid’s ultimate fantasy was getting “slimed” by the almighty Summer Sanders. Before she was dousing preteen boys and girls with green ooze for a living, this bombshell game show host was an Olympic gold medalist swimmer, which made her even more attractive to me.

2. Becky (Full House)

Bust out the Trojans! And I’m not talkin’ about condoms haha. The scandalous USC mom may be in some hot water in real life, but Aunt Becky and her assets were COLDDDD in all eight seasons of Full House.

1. Patti Mayonnaise (Doug)

Patricia Mayonnaise had an indescribable “it factor.” Most lads in the ’90s considered her to be “average looking,” but I wasn’t a superficial piece of shit like other kids, so I knew from the launchpad that she was the complete package. She was exceptionally smart, compassionate, and an absolute force on the beetball field. I was most attracted to her exclusiveness, though. She wasn’t easy like the other hoes at Bluffington School. She was strong, independent, and she friendzoned the SHIT out of Doug which made me want her even more.

Honorable Mentions

Ms. Frizzle (The Magic School Bus)

Topanga (Boy Meets World)

The Pink Ranger (Power Rangers)

Magenta (Blue’s Clues)

Bubbles (The Powerpuff Girls)

Kelly Kapowski (Saved by the Bell)

Lisa Turtle (Saved by the Bell)

Clarissa (Clarissa Explains it All)

Bill Nye (Bill Nye the Science Guy)

Shelby Woo (The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo)