Brady Only Wants 'Tom Terrific' Because He Thinks the Name Sucks and He Doesn't Want it Used on Him

Tom Brady on why he’s applied for a trademark on “Tom Terrific”:

“It’s unfortunate. I was actually trying to do something because I didn’t like the nickname and I wanted to make sure no one used it because some people wanted to use it. I was trying to keep people from using it and then it got spun around to something different than what it was. Lesson learned and I’ll try to do things a little different in the future.

“I didn’t want people associating me with that. It’s something I didn’t want to have happen. I don’t like the nickname. I don’t like when people probably give me many nice compliments, certainly that. It wasn’t something I was trying to do out of any disrespect or any ill manner.”

Well that make perfect sense. Even though it’s not going to appease those irrational, unhinged New Yorkers suffering from Tom Terrific Derangement Syndrome or their sadder, lonelier cousins, the virgins who threw baked beans at Tom Brady jerseys while Ed Kranepool and Art Shamsky in some dive bar.

It’s got to be a bitter pill to swallow when the most sacred nickname belonging to the most beloved player in your franchise history gets stolen by a guy just to keep it from being used. To have someone go to court just so that he doesn’t get called by the name you hold so dear because he thinks it blows must feel like sacrilege.

I mean, I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel if say, Ted Ginn, Jr. copyrighted “Teddy Ballgame,” just to legally prevent anyone from calling him that. The simple answer is, I’d think it’s funny, to the extent I’d care. For sure I wouldn’t take a night out of my life to throw canned legumes at a Ted Ginn, Jr. shirt, I can promise you that. But to Mets fans, this must feel like someone buying their childhood home just to tear it down. It’s like how the art world would react if some billionaire bought the Mona Lisa just to put in a box and stick it in his attic because he thinks it’s an ugly piece of shit and he wants to spare the world from the eyesore. It’d be like Dave buying Deadspin, just to close it down, but Deadspin doesn’t have enough readers for anyone to care.

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So try again, Mets fans. You were wrong, Boomer Esiason and Keith Olbermann. Brady didn’t want “Tom Terrific” because he loves it. He wanted it because he hates it. And when those beans that touched his jersey turn magical and sprout stalks that reach to the clouds, you’ll look even more stupid for getting all upset about it than you do now. So this would be as good a time as any to apologize for all the shit you’ve been saying.