Newest Cosmetic Craze: Ball Ironing


NY MagazineWhen an Italian magazine asked George Clooney about plastic surgery, he recently joked, “I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like wrinkles. It’s a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It’s called ‘ball ironing.'” And now, proving that Poe’s law also applies to Hollywood vanity, a Santa Monica spa is offering a “Tighten the Tackle” procedure. Beauty Park’s $575 scrotal beauty procedure “involves using lasers to remove hair, erase wrinkles, and correct discoloration on the scrotum,” the Daily Mail reports. On its website, the medical spa refers to procedure merely as a “Male Laser Lift”: Male grooming these days is on par with female grooming. Using the Pixel laser this procedure evens out skin tone, removes discoloration from ingrown hairs, removes skin tags and provides overall tightening to the external skin. You know where…

Listen as gross and weird looking as a ball sack is, that’s just the way its meant to be. Wrinkling, saggy, lumpy. Sometimes it’s tight like some sort of testicle cocoon. Other times that shit hangs low. Wobbles too and fro. It ain’t pretty, but that’s just the way it’s meant to be. You know what I mean? Kinda like nipples. Nipples on a dude are fucking weird. Discolored and bumpy and pokey. But you know how weird it would look if you just erased nipples from a dude’s chest? If you didn’t have nipples you’d be considered a total freak.

Same kind of thing applies to a ballsack. I don’t think I’d even want a smooth, bald, tight, unicolor ball bag. It would basically be like a cue ball resting beneath my dick. I want my balls to be just as weird as the next guy’s. You start making your balls look pretty and you might as well give yourself a vagina. You wanna trim it and scrub it? Fine. Pampering your scrote ain’t a big deal. But don’t start ironing your sack. That’s when you’ve taken it too far.