Men's Health Rewrites The Rules For Vegas Bachelor Parties In The Most Horrible Way You Can Possibly Imagine

KFC6/10/2013 6:10 PM

Mens Health - Men’s Health recently traveled deep into the cold, well-lit heart of Las Vegas, Nevada to celebrate a bachelor party—the quintessential guy experience. There were highs. There were lows. There were “hit me’s.” There were “I’ll have another’s.” And from those collective experiences, we determined how to leave town with your shirt, wallet, and pride intact. Use these rules the next time you find yourself in the Nevada desert, helping a friend run out his wild side before he enlists to fight the good fight. Godspeed.

1. Reconsider the gentleman’s club. That’s someone’s daughter, man.

2. Unless that gentleman’s club is also a gun range. Technically, that’s just a gun range.

3. The bachelor party dinner menu: steak, potatoes, and scotch. If your party has a vegetarian, he can order his steak well done, because, come on, tonight is all about being a man. We like The Old Homestead Steakhouse, Cut, and Prime.

4. When it comes to gambling, less is more. Unless you’re on a heater. As we learned from The Hangover, “you never leave the table when you’re on a heater.” Wise words.

5. The four most important words in Vegas: “No thanks, I’m fine.” When in doubt, remember that phrase. Another drink? Another bet? More crab legs? A round of face tattoos? No thanks, I’m fine.

6. Do something to publicly designate the groom from the rest of the group. Make him a custom T-shirt, or just spill merlot all over his brand-new white pants.

7. You’ll never win a lot of money on a slot machine—but you’ll also lose less. Keep that in mind the day after you plow through all of your money playing craps with that random Canadian girl.

8. It’s ALWAYS a random Canadian girl in Vegas.

9. Water and sunscreen are two things you can never have enough of. It’s a deceiving, deceptive, dry heat—and you, sir, are dehydrated and sun burnt.

10. The groom doesn’t pay for the hotel room, his dinner, or his drinks. He does pay for pizza at 3 a.m., though.

11. Take in a show. Cirque Du Soleil is your best bet. If that’s sold out, consider Jersey Boys. If it comes down to the Osmonds, throw you hands in the air, pick up a case of Budweiser and a large pizza, and just bro out watching SportsCenter in the room.

12. Do not drink before Cirque Du Soleil—it’s weird enough without those three margaritas.

13. You’re a busy guy. Avoid mistimed dinner, club, and tee-time reservations, and ensure you get the right hotel room by letting someone else plan the party. With Caesars’ Total Experiences package, you provide the dough, and they provide a suite for everyone to stay in, a day’s worth of activities and restaurant reservations, and a table at hard-to-get-into clubs. You can also do this through The Paris and Planet Hollywood.

15. Sure, those yard-long frozen drinks make you look like a goofy tourists. But unless you live in Vegas, that’s what you are, aren’t you?

16. An extra shot in that frozen drink for just a dollar? Duh, I didn’t take a 5-hour plane ride to see this town sober, bartender.

I’m gonna go ahead and give Men’s Health the benefit of the doubt on this one. I’m gonna go ahead and assume this is a joke. A poorly written joke. Like “I have an idea…we’ll write a list of all the rules you should follow for a Vegas bachelor party, except it will be rules you SHOULDN’T follow!” But nonetheless a joke. I know its a health magazine but this still can’t be an actual advice column. Right? I’ve asked almost every member of their Barstool for their opinion in case I was the idiot who missed the joke but nobody can tell. I swear to God it was written by Darren Rovell or Rick Reilly. It has to be. Some sort of Reilly Rovell combo.

If this is even a half serious article, I’m ashamed for the male gender right now. Some of these rules are so incredibly bad but the whole thing seems to be written in a pretty serious tone. So there’s a 50/50 shot I’m the asshole here but regardless, lets break it down:

1. Reconsider the gentleman’s club. That’s someone’s daughter, man. – Ain’t my daughter, man! As a matter of fact, I’m going to the strip club specifically because these girls are someone’s daughter and they all undoubtedly have Daddy Issues. Thats the entire point of Bachelor Parties and strip clubs.

2. Unless that gentleman’s club is also a gun range. Technically, that’s just a gun range. – Here’s one example where I don’t know what the fuck this article is. Joking, not joking? Are you telling me to go to the gun range instead of try to get fucked up and laid? No. I won’t do that.

4. When it comes to gambling, less is more. Unless you’re on a heater. As we learned from The Hangover, “you never leave the table when you’re on a heater.” Wise words. – Going to Vegas and not gambling is like going to the Caribbean and not going to the beach. Just defeats the whole purpose. Of course there’s plenty of other shit to do, but if you’re gonna skip the casinos, don’t even go.

5. The four most important words in Vegas: “No thanks, I’m fine.” When in doubt, remember that phrase. Another drink? Another bet? More crab legs? A round of face tattoos? No thanks, I’m fine. – Quite possibly the worst advice in the history of Las Vegas, and more importantly, mankind. Bachelor Parties are not about moderation of any kind.

6. Do something to publicly designate the groom from the rest of the group. Make him a custom T-shirt, or just spill merlot all over his brand-new white pants. – The number 1 culprit for this list just being a horrendously executed joke. I’m not even going to comment.

7. You’ll never win a lot of money on a slot machine—but you’ll also lose less. Keep that in mind the day after you plow through all of your money playing craps with that random Canadian girl. It’s ALWAYS a random Canadian girl in Vegas. – Yea sure thing lemme sit there with the 90 year old bitch with the walker and the oxygen tanks in tow.

9. Water and sunscreen are two things you can never have enough of. It’s a deceiving, deceptive, dry heat—and you, sir, are dehydrated and sun burnt. – You got it, Mom! Listen this is a valid point. But if I wanna fuck hookers while sunburned and dehydrated in Vegas then thats exactly what I’m gonna do. Get off my back, Mother Hen.

10. The groom doesn’t pay for the hotel room, his dinner, or his drinks. He does pay for pizza at 3 a.m., though. – This one SCREAMS Rovell.

12. Do not drink before Cirque Du Soleil—it’s weird enough without those three margaritas. – The maragaritas joke is worse than the Cirque De Soleil joke.

14. When it comes to drinking, the bachelor party weekend is a marathon, not a sprint. Sip, don’t chug. Reconsider shots. And no drinking before noon—unless you’re drinking mimosas. A mimosa is basically just orange juice that likes to party, and everybody loves a party guy. – Are we talking about a Bachelorette Party? I mean honestly what the fuck is going on here? Only drink mimosas and pace yourself? Yea I’ll just drink my one beer per hour while making sure I reapply sunscreen while the rest of the goddam city is having sex with whores and doing literally anything they want.

15. Sure, those yard-long frozen drinks make you look like a goofy tourists. But unless you live in Vegas, that’s what you are, aren’t you? – Ok I’m officially being trolled.

16. An extra shot in that frozen drink for just a dollar? Duh, I didn’t take a 5-hour plane ride to see this town sober, bartender. – I’m done.

Vote 1 for real vote 10 for its an attempt at a joke