The Top 8 Curses In The Universe
If you haven’t heard, Anthony Jones just lost to a slightly more fit version of Gabriel Iglesias at MSG. And it wasn’t from being the better man, it was from the musically talented witch, Drake. This is too good to be true, so here is my Top 8 Curses In The Universe.
8. “NSFW” by Pyschostick
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I’m pretty sure this is the most curse words in a song ever. I can’t find it in the Guinness book, but it defiantly surpasses Lil Jon’s, “Real N**** Roll Call” which has 135 curse words. This song is a meme of its own, fuck man.
7. Step On A Crack And Break Your Momma’s Back Curse
The old saying, “Step on a crack, or you’ll break your Momma’s (MOMMA, Migos Voice) back has always been stored in my mind. I try my best not to step on one because I don’t want another family member with a messed up back. So yes, I believe in this.
6. The Lil B Curse
This might be my favorite curse ever. Lil B cursed Kevin Durant and James Harden for the longest time. He cursed James Harden because James would do Lil B’s “cooking dance” after hitting 3’s and Lil B was not getting credit.
Kevin Durant made the mistake of saying our King’s music was “trash” and Lil B did not like that one bit.
Durant broke the curse after the Warriors beat the Cavs in the 2017 Finals.
5. Night At The Museum Curse
Who could forget the Golden Tablet of Pharaoh Ahkmenrah? I think the coolest thing about tablets is watching porn with them. Perfect size and also has a foldable stand. But this cursed tablet brought museum exhibits to life and was pretty fun to watch as a kid.
4. Da Billy Goat Curse
On October 8th, 1945, a man named Billy Sianis walked up to Wriggly field for Game 4 of the World Series between the Cubs and Tigers. Billy had a ticket for him and his goat. There’s several myths about whether they were in front of the gates or in the stands, but Billy was told that his goat had to leave because it smelled too bad. Billy then said, “The Cubs will never win a World Series so long as the goat is not allowed in Wrigley Field.” That was until the Cubs won the 2016 World Series. Speaking of goats, LeBron James also won a championship in the 2016 season. Interesting some may say.
3. Kardashian Curse
If you need deep explanations on each of these athletes, just tweet to Ellie or something because I couldn’t give you a summary on each of these folks. Maybe it’s me but if dating a Kardashian ruined my athletic career but ensured me millions of dollars, I’d be Gucci, and also be wearing Gucci.
2. The Madden Curse
Growing up, I hated Michelle Obama and EA Sports because they ruined two products that I went from loving everyday to hating everyday, school lunches and Madden. I used to enjoy my shitty, salty school lunches and good football game only to despise my saltless good lunches and shitty football game in an instant. Even before the game began to stink though, EA did manage to create one of the all-time curses, the Madden Curse.
There’s been a Madden Curse since Madden 99! Vince Young was the first athlete I noticed who completely 180’d his career. Enough said about Vince. But Before Madden 08, we had
who got hurt in preseason and missed 11 games. Then we had
who tore his right hamstring week 6 and was out for the year. Then we had
who tore his ACL week 11. Then we had
who got hurt 3 weeks after getting on the cover, finished his first season under 1,000 yards, and got cut the next year. Then we had
who lead the NFL in interceptions. Then there was
where Troy Polamalu had an awful season consisted of injuries and low numbers. Then there was
who had a career high 22 interceptions. Then we had 
Peyton Hillis who I believe had the WORST outcome of a Madden cover. When I think of the Madden Curse, I think of this guy. This cover was his 15 seconds of fame. I still think it is hilarious that Peyton won the cover because he has the most popular fan votes. If it wasn’t for LeBron winning a title, this would’ve been Clevelands biggest accomplishment. Then we had
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who dealt with a foot injury all year long and finished 5-10-1. Then we had 
Gronk! Although he did get a ring that year, he blew out his back and was on IR for damn near half the season.
1. The Drake Curse
Between this and the Madden Curse, it was tough to claim the #1 spot. I had to sleep on this last night. But, I will leave with what Scott said.
With that being said, here are the teams and athletes Drake has cursed.
In 2015, Drake and Serena Williams were smooching on each other at a club. 3 weeks later, Drake came to watch her play the US Open and she lost to Roberta Vinci which was a HUGE upset.
(Top Left) Kentucky hasn’t won a championship since 2012.
(Top Right) Refer to the beginning of this blog
(Middle left) The Maple Leafs lost to Bruins first round in the Stanley Cup Playoffs)
(Middle right) McGregor lost to Khabib in UFC 229
(Bottom left) Max Holloway lost to Dustin Poirier in UFC 236
(Bottom Right) Alabama lost to Clemson in the 2019 National Championship.
Since this photo, Johnny Football played 2 years in the NFL and began playing in the CFL.
After the Heat on the finals in 2013, Drake snuck into the Heat Championship after party to celebrate. The next year, the Heat lost to the Spurs 4-1 in the 2014 finals and “Nothing was the same” for the Heat since.
THIS is unreal. The bottom 2 teams (Chiefs and Saints) both lost in OVERTIME in the AFC and NFC championship games. The Rams (top team on Drake’s sweatshirt) lost to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Good God.
I don’t watch Soccer but check this out.
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Players and Teams in the air?
As the ambassador of the Raptors, Drizzy has no choice to but rep Toronto even though the Warriors will probably win the series. If the Raptors do lose, it will just add more mind-boggling chaos to this witch crafting chaos.
These are my top 8 Curses because these were all I could think of. I guess you could throw in James Holzhauer from Jeopardy, but I see him as a blessing. What jersey do you want Drake rocking next? I wouldn’t mind a Patriots jersey.