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I Cannot Believe The Red Sox Just Lost That Fucking Game

Cleveland Indians v Boston Red Sox

FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

This ain’t my first rodeo. No big deal, but this is my fourteenth season blogging the Red Sox. I’ve seen some pretty shit losses. No, I’m not about to say that this was the shittiest, but it was damn near close as far as regular season losses are concerned. That Red Sox had a 99.4% chance of winning this game at the start of the ninth inning when they were leading 5-2.

Motherfucking ninety-nine point four percent chance. Do you understand the amount of ass that you have to inhale to lose a baseball game when you have a 99.4% chance of winning it? That means they had a 0.6% chance of losing that game. Pablo Sandoval has a 0.6% chance of seeing his penis again. That’s the odds we’re dealing with here.

To make matters worse, the motherfucker who hit the game-tying home run in the ninth inning? Greg Allen? Yeah. He came into this game hitting .091 with zero home runs on the season. Say that with me out loud just so that it registers in your brain. This menacing fuckface asshole was hitting oh-ninety-one with ZERO home runs. You. You reading this right now had as many home runs this season as Greg Allen coming into play tonight. And I’m SORRY to Greg Allen for lashing out at him. It’s not his fault that lightning struck twice in the same spot, as the electricity from the sky was conducted to the horseshoe that was lodged directly up his ass at the time of the at-bat.

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Ryan Brasier, still love you. Mean it. That shit with Gary Sanchez last October was the stuff legends are made of. But if the 2019 Red Sox Relievers That I Trust List was Boston, Massachusetts, then I want you to be in Melbourne, Australia right now. Please. I just can’t right now after the White Sox blown save and now this. I still believe in Brasier, but this is like needing to put your dog in its cage after it ate the couch, shit all over the floor and ate your team-signed 2004 World Series baseball. Just stay in there and think about what you did.

Travis Lakins was no better, but we’re talking about a 24-year-old kid making his fourth big league appearance ever, being asked to put out a raging inferno against a team that’s feeling themselves more than Pee-Wee Herman in a movie theater. He was awful. After Brasier started the ninth by facing three batters, allowing all three to score to tie the game without recording an out, Lakins faced eight batters, walked three of them, as 16 of his 25 pitches were balls. It was a nightmare to watch. An absolute nightmare.

The Red Sox had something going in the bottom of the ninth against Indians closer Brad Hand with Mookie Betts drawing a one out walk followed by a base hit off the bat of Rafael Devers, but Hand battled back to punch out Xander Bogaerts and JD Martinez consecutively to wrap up hands down the worst loss of the season for the Red Sox. Holy fuck, what an embarrassing finish to a game that was in the bag.

For the people who actually read these things because they missed the game, David Price went six shutout innings and came back out after an hour rain delay to finish his outing. Martinez doubled twice to keep his hot streak going, but was one double shy of saving the Red Sox from such a shit outcome.

The Red Sox can still win the series on Wednesday when they send Ryan Weber the the mound against Shane Bieber, but Jesus Christ. I’m gonna be feeling this one for a while. Weber came out of nowhere essentially, and has a 1.29 ERA with 11 strikeouts in 14 innings. His last time out was his lone start of the year in which he held the Blue Jays to one run over six three-hit innings. Since giving up five earned runs to the White Sox three starts ago, Bieber has been lights out, throwing a complete game shutout against the Orioles with 15 strikeouts and following that up with 10 more strikeouts over five one-run innings against the Rays.

Final score: Fuck you.