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Some Broad Is Gonna Give Birth Surrounded By Swimming Dolphins

Huff PoA North Carolina couple says they have traveled to Hawaii so that dolphins can assist the birth of their child. Heather Barrington, 27, and Adam Barrington, 29, told the Charlotte Observer that a book called “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” gave them the bright idea. The couple flew to Pohoa, Hawaii in April to begin the months-long preparation for the birth, which is expected to happen in July. They are staying with Paradise “Star” Newland, one of the founders of the Sirius InstituteAccording to the organization’s website: “Sirius Institute is a research consortium with the purpose of “dolphinizing” the planet. This means the integration of the Cetacea (dolphins and whales) into our culture as we raise the level of consciousness to more like theirs. A second goal is the ‘humanization of space’ which involves the settlement of the solar system and beyond.” The plan is for the Barringtons to spend months trying to bond with a dolphin pod, after which Heather will give birth surrounded by the animals. The Sirius Institute states that dolphin-attended birth uses “free dolphins,” not animals kept in captivity. The website states that pregnant women encounter the dolphins in “coastal areas throughout the islands where dolphins come close to the shore.”  “It’s total relaxation for the mother,” Adam Barrington told the Charlotte Observer. Science writer Christie Wilcox, however, says “this has to be, hands down, one of the worst natural birthing ideas anyone has ever had.”

This might be a new low of hatred right here for me. Because if I’m being perfectly honest, I hate Heather Barrington so much, I’m secretly hoping for an absolute dolphin-disaster when she’s giving birth. Straight up a porpoise bloodbath. I honestly don’t know if I can say I’ve ever hated someone enough to root for something so tragic. We’re talking about a perfectly innocent baby. A pregnant woman who has never done anything to me. But this idea to give birth in the ocean surrounded by a pod of dolphins is so unbelievably bad and such an outlandish cry for attention, I hope 30 violent dolphins with a taste for human blood show up. I hope sharks show up and there is a Shark vs. Dolphins Battle for Ocean Supremacy and this bitch is caught in the crossfire. I hope they get caught in some fishermans net and the baby gets its head stuck inside the rings of a six pack holder. You wanna be a dolphin, bitch? Here you go!

Maybe whats next is we can have dolphins give birth inside hospitals on hospital beds. How about that you fucking idiot hippies? Lets dolphinize the planet by having us give birth in the water and they give birth in hospitals. Popping out little dolphins into the hands of doctors and nurses. “Push Flipper! Breathe!” Maybe dolphins can start going to restaurants and eating at tables instead eating fish in the ocean. Maybe dolphins should just live on land forever. That will work out just fucking great