Lamar Odom Used A Fake Dick To Pass A Drug Test For The 2004 Olympics

[People] - The NBA champion was offered a spot on the U.S. Men’s Olympic basketball team, which was “one of the biggest honors in my career,” Odom, 39, writes in his new memoir, Darkness to Light, exclusively excerpted in PEOPLE.

But, as Odom writes, “the joy of being named to the twelve-man roster quickly turned to anxiety when Olympic officials informed me that I would have to pass a drug test before officially joining the team.”

Then living in Los Angeles, Odom received a “call from USA Basketball that a drug tester would be coming to my house in a few days to administer the screening,” he writes. “There was absolutely no way I was going to pass. I’d been smoking weed every day that summer. Panic set in.”

“We started googling ‘fake penises’ and studied different ways to beat a drug test,” he writes. “After an exhaustive search we ordered a giant, rubber, black c— to arrive the next day.”

This might be the ‘shocking’ least shocking headline I’ve ever written. Of course Lamar Odom used a fake dick to pass a drug test for the 2004 Olympics. I mean everything about this is perfect. I assume this is how Odom and his crew handled the situation:

This is also fitting for the 2004 team. Remember them? They were a disaster. The team that finished 3rd and just flat out sucked. But, they had dudes like Steph and AI and Odom and a young LeBron and Melo that just gave us stories for days. This is just another one to add to it.

I think my favorite part by far is Odom saying he ‘carefully slid the penis through the zipper.’ Yeah, no shit, guy. Who doesn’t carefully slide a dick through a zipper? That may be the one thing every guy can agree on. No one is all willy nilly when it comes to your dick and a zipper. That’s real fear, man.

Only thing that would top this? If Lamar Odom pulled an Out Cold