"Balls Are Going To Be A Little Lopsided," The Pilot Advised: Deep Inside Our Navy's Probe Of The Infamous 'Sky Penis'

I, for one, could never forget Navy’s sky penis, and the joy & inspiration it brought to thousands of admirers on the ground back in November 2017…

Now it’s back in the news as Geoff Ziezulewicz of the Navy Times covered the big, deep probe into the decisions that led to that cloud of genitalia in the sky. The conversation between the pilots has finally been released & is worth reading if you want a good laugh:

The day’s flight was to be a standard 90 minutes of training over the skies of north-central Washington.

Their partner jet soon flew to another section of their training area, and the lieutenants got an idea.

The EWO broached it first, according to the investigation.

“My initial reaction was no, bad,” the pilot wrote in a statement after the incident. “But for some reason still unknown to me, I eventually decided to do it.”

Their sky penis plan of attack was captured on their cockpit video recording system, a transcript of which is included in the investigation.

“Draw a giant penis,” the EWO said. “That would be awesome.”

“What did you do on your flight?” the pilot joked. “Oh, we turned dinosaurs into sky penises.”

“You should totally try to draw a penis,” the EWO advised.

“I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot boasted. “I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back. I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.”

They theorized on the second-order effects of their nascent sky drawing.

“Dude, that would be so funny,” the pilot said. “Airliner’s coming back on their way into Seattle, just this big (expletive)ing, giant penis. We could almost draw a vein in the middle of it too.”

Soon, the EWO reported they were definitely “marking.”

They had found the sweet altitude, and the contrail sky penis was being born in their wake.

“Balls are going to be a little lopsided,” the pilot advised.

“Balls are complete,” he reported moments later. “I just gotta navigate a little bit over here for the shaft.”

“Which way is the shaft going?” the EWO asked.

“The shaft will go to the left,” the pilot answered.

“It’s gonna be a wide shaft,” the EWO noted.

“I don’t wanna make it just like 3 balls,” the pilot said.

“Let’s do it,” the EWO said. “Oh, the head of that penis is going to be thick.”

“Some like Chinese weather satellite right now that’s like, ‘what the (expletive)?’” the pilot surmised.

The jet streaked across the sky, and the duo’s magnum opus continued to take shape, showcasing the pilot’s prowess in the process.

Brilliant. Full salute. You can read the full story from Navy Times HERE.

Unfortunately not everyone loved it and it gave way to think pieces on the patriarchy, complaints from folks concerned about their kids seeing such a thing, and scrutiny from the media. In the end Navy officials told reporters the pilots would face a disciplinary board & “the investigating officer recommended they receive “non-punitive letters of instruction.””

Thankfully it sounds like no one’s career was really harmed by it. After all the attention I’m afraid it’ll be a long time before we see anything else like it, but I’m still holding out for sky vulvas.

For more hard hitting military coverage from Barstool Sports check out Zero Blog Thirty.

Today’s episode covers a bird that cost the Air Force $2M after crash landing into a stealth fighter, a theft ring in the Marines that stole $300K worth of gear, and me going off on the VA’s lack of effort towards providing medical marijuana to veterans.