4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE

Advertisement

Barbie Is Moving To Manhattan

NY Post – Moveover, Malibu — Barbie’s hunting for a dream house in Manhattan! Barbie is moving from her California mansion and embarking on a quest for new digs that could land her in a posh penthouse with Central Park views, makers of the doll say. Toymaker Mattel has hired a team of top-notch interior designers to create three “dream houses” — in New York, California and India — and will announce its choice in August. The Big Apple pad is a luxe pied-à-terre catering to a workingwoman, said its designer, Celerie Kemble. “Barbie is a strong, independent woman. She belongs in New York!” Kemble said. “Manhattan is the best of the best for Barbie.”  A rendering of the home features big windows overlooking Central Park and a spacious living room. “She’ll entertain in style with the power players of New York,” Kemble said. “It’s a place for her to meet with great minds.”  She added the pad is “more sophisticated” than Barbie’s three-story, 8,500-square-foot beachside Malibu home. Earlier this year, the doll’s marketing team created a story about Barbie’s big move from her famous pink palace. In the tale, Barbie packs up boxes — mostly full of shoes! — and puts up a for-sale sign on the house, for which she’s asking $25 million. Other finalist designs include a colorful California cabana designed by Trina Turk and a bungalow-style home in India by Lulu deKwiatkowski.  Barbie’s VP of marketing, Lori Pantel, said the story reflects the doll’s evolution as an independent woman. “As a workingwoman with over 135 careers, Barbie is proud to have a Manhattan home,” Pantel said. “It’s a glamorous work space to host movers and shakers.”

First of all, lets cut the shit with this idea that Barbie is moving to fucking India. Yea, the smokeshow blonde with 135 careers and $25 million is gonna move to Hyderabad. COME ON! I hate to be rude here but Barbie wouldn’t last one day in India without being raped. And last time I checked that is an instant killer to your brand. Plain and simple Barbie ain’t living in a fucking bungalow in a third world country with Untouchables and people shitting in the streets.

The only natural choice for Barbie to continue to grow her image is to come to Manhattan. She’s already conquered Malibu. That West Coast, So Cal, laid back living can only take you so far. Time for Barbie to go corporate in NYC. Become some power bitch in a pants suit who makes her male assistants eat her box on command. Just dominate the working world. Discriminate against fat women and minorities. Become a pretty harsh alcoholic with an addiction to Prozac to calm her down when she goes home. She sleeps around and fucks all the big dogs in the industry but still holds all the cards. Never loses power.

Goddam. Thats one sexy fucking Barbie, no? Like Barbie riding a fucking donkey in a Sari can compete with the picture I just painted. For sure not.