LaserGate Guy Admits He's Guilty But Says Beer Made Him Do It and Won't Apologize to Tom Brady
In April, Liz introduced us to Dwyan Morgan, the 64 year old, hobo-bearded, wet-brained, Missouri domestic terrorist who tried to blind Tom Brady with a laser pointer in the AFC championship game at Kansas City. Well everyone who’s a believer in fair play, player safety and protecting Brady’s soulful, heavenly blue eyes can take heart.
Morgan is being a stand up guy. Now that he’s been caught, he’s taking full responsibility for his actions. Owning all his behaviors. Apologizing with all his heart. And trying to make things right.
I kid. He’s blaming beer:
In an exclusive interview with Inside Edition, Dwyan Morgan, 64, reconstructed the moment he hit Brady with the beam. … Morgan shone the laser at Brady at least three times during the crucial match in Missouri, but he asserts he never intended to hurt the 41-year-old, ‘maybe distract him a little’.
He told the station he’d had one too many beers and thought he’d try and make his two sons laugh, who were sat next to him in the stadium. …
The electrician added that he felt remorseful for embarrassing Chiefs fans, but when asked if he would apologize to New England or Tom Brady directly he responded ‘absolutely not’.
Sure, Dwayn. It’s not your fault. It’s the one or two many beers. You did nothing wrong. It could happen to anyone who gets over-served after casually slipping a laser pointer into the game through a pat down from Arrowhead security. Who among us hasn’t keistered an instrument of blindness so dangerous if you shine one at a plane from your backyard about six federal agencies will show up at your door? It could happen to anyone. Let ye among us who hasn’t had one too many Michelob Ultras and then aimed a concentrated beam of deadly electromagnetic radiation into an athlete’s retina cast the first stone.
I hope you and your two kids enjoyed a good, hearty laugh and then did a lot of hugging and bonding afterward. It’s part of the joy of having sons. I mean, we all remember that “Wonder Years” where Jack Arnold took Kevin and Wayne to a game and then tried to kill Bart Starr from the stands with a weapon NORCOM was working on. Sharing little moments like that with your sons is what makes being a dad the toughest but most rewarding job you’ll ever have.
The one part of this I actually do appreciate is that this yokel didn’t try to waste anyone’s time with the insincere apology. You don’t say “sorry” to Tom Brady when you attempt to cross him. You just suffer his wrath. You live in fear of Sunday, December 8th when the Chiefs come to Foxboro and he takes out his vengeance for what this shitkicking lightweight drunk did to entertain his halfwit sons. “Distract” Tom Brady? Guess again, numbnuts. Since when has he ever been distracted by any distraction the league has thrown at him? All you did with that pointer was give him laser focus. Even more than usual, and that’s saying something. In December and in January, if the Chiefs make it. Then, as Henry V put it, “thousands more will weep as did laugh at the jest.” Stick to rooting for woman beaters and child abusers, Dwyan.
